When I signed up for the Burns' Night dinner at St. Andrews Restaurant, I was pretty excited. Not only would I be able to enjoy haggis and other Scottish specialties, but I would also have a great post for Slashfood. Unfortunately, Monika Bartyzel got here ahead of me and did a pretty damned good job of talking up the wonders of the "Great chieftain o' the pudding race." Still, having spent an evening eating offal, sipping scotch, and listening to highland poetry, I'm not quite ready to give up...

My introduction to haggis came on a family trip to Scotland. My mother, who was Jewish and had never quite understood my father's extreme dislike of spices, bought A Feast of Scotland by Janet Warren. As we drove around the countryside, she tore through the tome, alternately giggling, gagging, and exclaiming "You're FREAKING joking!" At the end of all of this, she gazed upon my father and told him that she finally understood his problem. The cookbook featured exactly two spices: salt and pepper, and occasionally exhorted its readers to "add suet to taste." While there is a lot to be said for environment, it was clear that heredity had had at least some effect on my dad's palate.

Somebody triple dog dared me. Do you know what that means? I'm going to Trader Joe's in a few to get the ingredients I don't already have for the pizza crepe taco pancake chili bag. In case you're following along at home (and I truly hope you're not cooking this along with me):

• Crisp taco shell (check)
• Soft flour tortilla (check)
• Corn tortilla, bigger than the flour tortilla
• Gordita shell
• Pizza dough
• Ingredients for crepes (flour, egg, milk, butter, brandy)
• Ingredients for pancakes (same deal, plus buttermilk, baking powder and blueberries)

My friends over at TV Squad think I should make - and eat - the pizza crepe taco pancake chili bag from the fictional "Taco Town" as memorialized in a Saturday Night Live skit. What is it, you ask?

• A crunchy all beef taco, slathered in nacho cheese, lettuce, tomato, and our special southwestern sauce.
• Wrap it in a soft flour tortilla, with a layer of refried beans
• Wrap that in a corn tortilla, with a middle layer of monterey jack cheese
• Wrap that in a deep fried gordita shell, smear on a layer of special guacamolito sauce
• Bake it in a corn husk, filled with pico de gallo
• Wrap that in an authentic Parisian crepe filled with egg, gruyere, merguez sausage, and portabello mushrooms
• Wrap that in a Chicago-style deep-dish meat lovers' pizza
• Roll it up in a blueberry pancake, dip it in batter, deep-fry it until it's golden brown
• Serve it in a commemorative tote bag filled with spicy vegetarian chili.

I don't know how this is going to work and what is guacamolito sauce? But I have to know: do you double dare me?

We may have covered most of the "best of 2005" lists, with topics from MMMM to NNNNN, but funny food videos is one we missed. Fortunately, Saute Wednesday didn't miss this important topic in their slightly belated Best of 2005 List. They picked out a Flambe Disaster! clip, which really shows the value of having a fire extinguisher in your kitchen, in addition to being funny. Incidentally, the apartment kitchen in which it takes place looks shockingly like my college apartment. I kept my extinguisher under the sink, guys!

The best clip of the year was definitely from an episode of Saturday Night Live, where they paid tribute to Magnolia Bakery's cupcakes in the most highly esteemed of media: a rap song.

But first, my hunger pangs are sticking like duct tape
Let's hit up magnolia and mack on some cupcakes
No doubt, that bakery's got all the bomb frosting.
I love those cupcakes like McAdams loves Gosling
2 no 6 no 12, bakers dozen!
I told you that I'm crazy for these cupcakes, cousin!

Update: The YouTube video (above) was removed, but you can hear the song here.