Robin, the thorn in Top Chefs' sides. Photo: Bravo.

Toby Young really missed his potatoes last night. In his return to the "Top Chef" judges' table, the snarky British author and all-purpose pundit was presented with a couple of deconstructed dishes that, at their best, would've celebrated his homeland.

At their worst, however -- and as prepared by Ash and Laurine, respectively, they were at their worst -- the two concoctions were an outright affront to the dear old Blighty: fish 'n' chips and shepherd's pie. Even guest judges Penn and Teller, chosen for their skill at deconstructing magic tricks, couldn't contain their disgust.

Credit Laurine for at least trying: Her cube of halibut, pile of zucchini relish and smear of tomato confit was what an eager community college-student might think deconstructed cuisine should look like. But the all-important tuber was merely represented by a tiny communion wafer of chewy, parsley-infused potato. Missing "what you call fries, what I call chips," Young and company summoned her to the loser's circle.

Ash's, meanwhile, was a mess of elements on a plate, ranging from inconsistently cooked lamb chops to pea puree, glopped on in a desperate attempt to make up for a potato-parsnip side dish that was "too gluey" to serve. As if that admonition wasn't enough, the young cook went so far as to confess that the only shepherd's pie he had ever tasted was his own, which brought to mind nothing so much as Jodie Foster in "Nell," living by her own special language that no one else could understand.

Brian Boitano, living to entertain. Photo: Food Network

Is it just us, or is Brian Boitano already running out of ideas? After just four brief episodes, the figure-skater-turned-foodie is so strapped for a reason to entertain, he throws a finger-food party for a Spanish-American friend with a 6-month-old baby. Why? Because she "made it."

We'll ignore for a moment what the alternatives might be for mothers of newborns. Maybe that's the beauty of "What Would Brian Boitano Make?": The man needs no excuse -- or even a reason -- to whip up a few frilly themed appetizers. Or rather, his show is the excuse.

This week's installment was pure stream-of-consciousness Brian -- a day in the life, if you will: Wake up, fire up your vintage Wedgewood oven and make a Spanish tortilla, which reminds you of your Spanish-American pal Yvonne, which in turn prompts you to learn about making paella from her mother.

Cracking egg. Photo: Sugar Sweet Sunshine, Flickr

• Eggs: why the whites matter, what the difference is and why we should crack the shells with one hand.
• When made with the right rice, Paella is so magical that it can become an aromatic party centerpiece.
• The ins and outs of that tasty little thing called rice.
• White, red or pink -- each wine has its own optimal temperature, and it's not as easy as "room temp." Plus: what happens to some wines when an ice cube enters the mix.
  
• The Tribune now offers a "Good Eating Meal Planner" -- a search engine of the recipes that have appeared in the newspaper.
• Simple tricks to make your outdoor summer dinner come together a little bit faster.
• "Vefa's Kitchen" is a Greek cookbook chock full of classic recipes.
• Wine and beer events across the Windy City.
• Recipe: Omelet with Corn and Smoked Mozzarella.

Toward the end of his life, Salvador Dali prefigured the Jeff Koons-style artistic sellout by signing thousands of pieces of blank paper, which unscrupulous publishers subsequently used to print out cheap copies of his art. As equally unscrupulous art buyers bought the prints, Dali stated "If there are people who want to sell poor quality limited reproductions of my work, and others want to pay too much money for them, they deserve each other."

With this in mind, I have to admit that I'm sad to see the end of the ultra-expensive food trend. Although I was never able to buy the $1,000 bagel or the $150 burger, I've enjoyed poking fun at the ultra-arrogant people who have produced ridiculously expensive food itemsand the insanely rich people who have shelled out cash for them. Unfortunately, with the stock market bouncing up and down like Richard Simmons on coke, it seems unlikely that anybody will be in the mood to lay down the price of a plane ticket on a saffron-stuffed burrito or a bowlful of gold-plated chicken wings.

That having been said, every trend must give a few final convulsions before it is officially dead, and the super-pricey food trend is no different. With that in mind, I hereby salute Ricardo Cardona, the head chef at Sofrito, a New York restaurant. In what is either a concerted effort to kill this trend or the biggest case of self-delusion since Madonna tried acting, he has released a $1,000 paella. For that princely sum, patrons get a huge bowl of arborio rice, saffron, extra virgin olive oil, white asparagus, piquillo peppers, black truffles, sea scallops, baby squid, baby eel, mussels, cherrystone clams, king crab legs, mini-chorizo sausages, octopus, lobster tails, prawns, and Spanish ham.

Cardona has positioned the $1,000 paella as a celebration of Spanish cuisine; presumably, this means that Spanish cuisine basically consists of throwing a whole bunch of fairly pricey ingredients into a bowl and trying to charge ten times what they are worth. For that matter, since when are Alaskan prawns, King crab legs, Maine lobster, and locally-grown shellfish distinctively Iberian? On the other hand, only the coarsest of pedants would question Cardona's dedication to his culture when Sofrito is giving 20% of the proceeds from the paella to a nonprofit group that helps Latino youngsters. After all, when one subtracts $200 from a price tag of $1,000, that leaves Sofrito with a mere $800 gross from the meal. After taking out the $100 that the restaurant probably paid for the ingredients, their profit sinks to a mere $700. How can any restaurant possibly expect to stay in business with that kind of profit margin?

• My favorite weekend spot is the North St. Lawrence Market in Toronto --a large expanse of wonderful veggies, fresh-baked goods, cheese, meats, and more. Patty Winsa runs down the stories behind the market's faces.
• Harovin sundown pears -- 36 years in the making.
• The ins and outs of a night at Scaramouche.
• Ontario honey is in season and hitting the farmers' markets.
• The perks of artichokes.
• What alcohol does to you, drink by drink.
• Recipe: Valencian-style Paella
• Wine: Tastes of Italy, South Africa, and California.

It seems that the scene will soon be exploding with new restaurants. In a special section, the New York Times covers the coming restaurants.

• Some restaurants will be headed by star chefs, others are opening elsewhere, but originated in NY, and really, there are just too many to count.
• The new vibe in restaurants is casual and cool
• Why does it take so long (and so much heartache) to get a restaurant to open?
• Critic Frank Bruni takes a dive into fish-heavy Soto
• Go! Go! Curry keeps it real with Japanese comfort food
• But it's not all just about restaurants. For the home kitchen, Mark Bittman does a paella and Harold McGee explains gelatin filtration