By Mike Pomranz
Stocking appropriate beers to satisfy the diverse range of guests who may arrive at your Super Bowl party can be a quite difficult task. We hate seeing folks fumble their hosting duties, so we've assembled this guide to a variety of typical Super Bowl party guest personalities and the proper beer to have prepared for them upon their arrival should you encounter them. Game on!
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The Relentless Prop Bettor
"Who'll win the coin toss?" "I'll bet you 18-1 Larry Fitzgerald will have between 151 - 160 receiving yards, but if he gets injured the bet is off!" If comments like these keep ringing in your ears, it's likely the guy standing next to you is an inveterate gambler. It's possible he might work himself into such a frenzy he'll pass out after losing all his money when the second quarter total isn't under 13 and a hook, but most likely, beer will fuel this guy well into the evening, even after the game is over. Have some Lionshead, Lone Star or Mickey's bottles on hand, all of which have puzzles under their caps. Seeing who can solve these the fastest will create some fun betting action during halftime and beyond.
The Guy Who's Only In It For the Commercials
There's one in every crowd. Keep an eye out for the guy wearing team paraphernalia for a team who didn't make the big game, or look for the guy who's working the dip bowl during the first big fourth and inches play. But as soon as the zebras call a TV timeout, this guy's glued to the screen. Keep a couple of Miller Lites around for him. It's not that he really drinks beer, but he's got a "Tastes great, less filling!" line locked and loaded for you. All you have to do is toss him that can.
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The Guy Who's Only In It For the Drinking
He'll be easy to spot; just look for the guy wearing a T shirt with a beer logo that has been co-opted to promote his fraternity's spring fling. He's gonna guzzle up a case of whatever you've got, so make sure to stock a 30 pack of something cheap and mass-market. Milwaukee's Best or Natural Light should be right up his alley and keep him away from your good stuff. Don't worry if you buy too much, because he'll take your extras home for you.
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The Confused Non-American
Perhaps your British coworker Charlie overheard your party plans for viewing the biggest football game of the year. Charlie assures you he is a huge football fan and invites himself over after inquiring upon whose "pitch" they'll be playing the "match." Odds are this outspoken Englishman will have more than his fair share of questions and complaints about "American football." Make sure to have some pub lagers well stocked -- preferably in 16 oz. cans -- to keep this guest properly elephant trunk. (That means drunk, to us non-Cockneys.) Some Stella Artois or Kronenbourg should do the trick.
The Living Room Color Commentator
It took us over 20 years to finally get Joe Theismann off the air, and now you have this jerk making witless comments after every play. Your only refuge -- get this guy so well lubricated he decides to take a nap. But you'll be riding a fine line -- if he doesn't chill out, that extra alcohol will just feed into the volume and inanity of his blather. Get something really strong. Any barley wine or Belgian Trappist-style ale should do the trick but Weyerbacher's Blithering Idiot (clocking in at 11% ABV) seems exceedingly appropriate, providing a subtle hint to boot.
The Top Secret Arch-Nemesis
He'll find his way in. Sure, he wasn't invited, but he's a friend of a friend, and he's just arrogant enough to think he's welcome anywhere. That's why you hate him so much to begin with. While you're actually interested in the game, he's over in the corner making a move on your girl. As you're keeping an eye on his moves, you just missed the huge third down conversion. I hate that guy! Get your revenge. Keep a six-pack of Michelob Ultra around. Tell him, "Chicks dig guys who drink this stuff. It makes them look healthy and athletic." He's just dumb enough to believe it. Now he's the laughing stock of the party.
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The "Only-Hangs-Out-With-You-For-One-Game-A-Year" High School Friend / College Buddy
The Super Bowl is rich with ritual and tradition. Even where and with whom you watch it can be habits that are hard to break. Maybe the Super Bowl is the only time of year you get to hang out with your old college buddy who's always trying to one-up you with his fancy finance job while you're still stuck doing frustratingly unfunny beer write-ups. Here's your trick to pull one over on him this year -- offer him a Dogfish Head 60 Minute IPA. He'll surely call it an "Enjoyable, if somewhat pedestrian craft beer selection," which is when you reply, "Oh, I only save those for the non-discriminating beer drinkers" and whip out a Dogfish Head 120 Minute IPA for yourself. Gotcha!
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The Undercover First Date
Inviting that special girl you've had your eye on to your Super Bowl get-together is a great casual way to sneak in that "undercover first date." She'll never know what hit her. And here's the trick -- when you first see her making a move towards the keg, loudly pronounce, "Oh! You don't want to be drinking swill from the same tap as the rest of these drunken losers!" Then, lead the young lady into the kitchen and say, "This should suit you better. It's my personal stash of Love Stout from Yards Brewing Company." Then give her the most seductive wink of your life. It's a surefire winner.
The Girl Who Only Watches One Game A Year
Let's face it: Any woman who catches only one football game a year probably isn't a fan of testosterone-fueled keg fests. Sure, she might love to drink, and maybe American macro-brews are even her standard suds. But for an event like this, she'll probably just want to distance herself from the whole ordeal. To satiate her ladylike side, make sure to keep some fruity and refreshing lambics on ice; a Lindeman's Framboise will do perfectly. The classy Belgian fruit beer will get her comfy enough to handle any forthcoming football antics, while openly airing her general disdain for such beer-brained ridiculousness in the process.
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