"WhatWouldBrianBoitanoMake" news and stories

Brian Boitano, living to entertain. Photo: Food Network

Is it just us, or is Brian Boitano already running out of ideas? After just four brief episodes, the figure-skater-turned-foodie is so strapped for a reason to entertain, he throws a finger-food party for a Spanish-American friend with a 6-month-old baby. Why? Because she "made it."

We'll ignore for a moment what the alternatives might be for mothers of newborns. Maybe that's the beauty of "What Would Brian Boitano Make?": The man needs no excuse -- or even a reason -- to whip up a few frilly themed appetizers. Or rather, his show is the excuse.

This week's installment was pure stream-of-consciousness Brian -- a day in the life, if you will: Wake up, fire up your vintage Wedgewood oven and make a Spanish tortilla, which reminds you of your Spanish-American pal Yvonne, which in turn prompts you to learn about making paella from her mother.

Photo: Food Network

We should've known better. You can't expect a figure skater to lay off the sparkles forever, and sure enough, our man Brian Boitano was back to his old tricks this week: goofy skits, crudely animated fantasy sequences and laughing at his own jokes.

But while his aesthetics are regressing, at least his cooking is maturing, from the fussy appetizers of the first two shows to something resembling a real meal.

The fabricated meal-making scenario this time followed an eager Brian ready to impress his handyman in order to gain acceptance into an "international dinner club" -- cue many references to the Wonder Bread-ish Brian's Italian heritage.

For the moment, we'll ignore the incongruous fantasy of a dashing, 40-something French handyman willing to whip up his mother's coq au vin recipe for a bachelor client. (And is it just us, or do the shots of Brian's spacious, garden-facing kitchen and his narrow San Francisco living quarters seem a little... lacking in continuity?)

The Oakland Outlaws. Photo: The Bay Area Derby Girls

If Brian Boitano's Food Network debut had us a little worried, the mere description of episode two gave us hope: "While hosting a dinner party of an all-girl roller derby team, Brian creates simple yet delicious recipes using bacon." Roller derby and bacon? It's like poetry to our ears.

Sure, the utterly canned social-event premise is still there, and Brian's repertoire is still limited to fussy little canapés and fad martinis (in this case, the dreaded bacontini). But not only did the food this week actually make our mouth water, the host managed to work in a costume change from his former career: a plunging v-necked, rhinestone-covered figure skating unitard. Shame? Brian doesn't know the meaning of the word.

In an episode devoted to pig fat, our host hammed it up, of course, but with nowhere near as many cutaways to him dancing, cackling and performing in animated skits. (If this is the last time he uses a couple of parsley sprigs as false eyelashes, however, that'd be fine by us.)

Brian Boitano at breakfast. Photo: Food Network

So pop culture has come to this: A former figure skater perhaps best known for being a goofily ironic punchline to a "South Park" song has his own show -- and it's a cooking show. Die-hard foodies, take note: "What Would Brian Boitano Make?" is not for you.

This is not to say it operates at Sandra Lee levels of non-cooking: At no point does Brian (whom we interviewed) crack open a packet of supermarket taco seasoning for some zing or create a lush tablescape out of freshly raked autumn leaves. But it is, shall we say, a little on the frothy side for anyone wanting to learn the proper way to braise a quail. (Though the guy sure knows how to strain his juices for a mango-tini.)

No, this is one of those "lifestyle" shows the Food Network is so adept at churning out -- more tailored to the host's persona and his or her niche than anything else. And to judge by the first episode, Brian's self-professed niche would be San Franciscan guys who like to entertain their single girlfriends, prepare fussy little crudités and "ride bikes on rainbows!"

Brian Boitano is renowned for his 1988 Olympic gold medal in figure skating and infamous for a song from 1999's "South Park" movie. But now the professional skater is working a different arena -- the cooking show.

On Sunday, Boitano makes his Food Network debut with "What Would Brian Boitano Make?" Quite possibly one of the campiest cooking shows to hit TV, it follows the Olympian as he makes meals for the likes of a bachelor friend, a handyman, a new mom and roller derby girls, all from the comforts of his real-life kitchen.

Boitano spoke with Slashfood about his cooking-show debut, being a "clean eater," his "South Park" song and the one kitchen gadget he can't live without (Slap Chop anyone?).

Have you always been a cook?
Well, not always. After the Olympics I really started to discover food. I always wanted to eat food, but I never ate food before the Olympics because I was always on a diet, and what I ate wasn't that interesting. Then after I started discovering food and wanting to prepare it, and then discovering different recipes and ways to prepare it -- just by trial and error. So it's like all self-taught, and just having friends over and finding out what they like, and what I like to serve.

So I've always, always loved food. In fact, for my 'up close and personal' in the '88 Olympics, I did a thing where I went to a restaurant and said I wanted to open a restaurant. So I've always wanted to have a restaurant and that kind of thing since I've been 20.