"Ultimate Cake Off" news and stories

Glitter. Sparkles. Diamonds. Crystals. Baubles. Medallions. Pearls. No, we're not talking about Beyonce's wardrobe -- this is a wedding on TLC, after all, and it needs to be, in the descriptive words of the sister of the bride, "big."

If the wedding's going to be big, the cake has got to be, well, ultimate. And the contestants on Ultimate Cake Off have never met a big, shiny, gaudy challenge they didn't like.

Judging by the results, Dr. Seuss should've been one of the judges. A leaning, 30-tier "royal" cake where the layers all looked like little fez caps stacked on top of each other? A geometric triangular cake atop of a bunch of puffy red hearts atop a square cake with a grid design on it?

Okay, if we had a feeling Ultimate Cake Off had crossed the line from dessert-decorating reality show to hilarious mockumentary -- you know, like Best in Show or The Office -- last night confirmed it.

First, there was the theme. Making a cake for a swimwear fashion show? Are they kidding? Who goes to see rail-thin models showing off bikinis and then is inspired to wolf down a bunch of refined sugar and butterfat? Then, there were the challengers. Perhaps sensing that they're coming to the end of their second season, the producers decided to maximize tension by bringing back three former champs: Put three pros in a room and let the frosting fly.

If there's one thing we've learned on Ultimate Cake Off, it's that when you ask the decorating teams to be "tasteful" and "honor" something, the results usually end up being anything but. So when we saw that this week's challenge was to celebrate a couple of fireman heroes, we got a little... worried.

This meant big statements and weird ideas. Almost immediately we starting hearing, "I wanted to capture the true meaning of unsung heroes," and, "My cake's about the inspiration these men and women give us!"

The designs followed the same sort of vague, kitsch-overload themes. We didn't quite get Barbara's concept: The seasoned decorating pro decided to craft a life-size cake fireman, lounging against a wall with his arm around a not-to-scale burning building, with a dalmatian laying nearby.

Now THIS is more like it. Usually on Ultimate Cake Off, we get the most extreme, over-the-top cake decorators in the business, working in service of the daintiest formal-event challenges imaginable -- a birthday for a classical music prodigy, a ballet performance, a doily factory grand-opening.

Okay, so we made that last one up. But finally, this week, these exemplars of excess, these purveyors of frosted decadence, have met their match: a monster truck rally. Considering that what these people do for a living is the culinary equivalent of leaping over a row of flaming school buses in a tricked-out, 20-foot-tall Ford pickup, it only makes sense.

So, after fixing ourselves a plate of corn chips smothered in Velveeta and 20 ounces of Midwestern pilsner in a plastic cup, we settled in for the show. Bring on the screaming crowds, the megaphones, the exhaust!

We know it's beside the point. We know we shouldn't care. But we can't help it: When the contestants on Ultimate Cake Off saw through layer after layer of sheet cake, carving those gigantic confections into castles or grand pianos or dirigibles or whatever they're trying to replicate, we cry a little inside.

We think to ourselves, couldn't you do something with all that cake you're throwing away? Maybe a nice trifle? Maybe we could get a bite? Maybe you could start a Pastry Imperfections for the Homeless (PIFTH) charity or something?