"MichaelChiarello" news and stories

Rick Bayless, Photo: Bravo

If you've been faithfully watching the first season of "Top Chef Masters," you know it's not about the drama. It's not about the high-stakes tension. And it certainly isn't about the fashion about one of its namesake Top Chefs. (Mexican-chef extraordinaire Rick Bayless' specs invoke memories of a junior-high chemistry teacher, circa 1996.)

So how climactic could last night's finale have possibly been? Three of the most established, entitled chefs in America duking it out for ... what, exactly?

Well, words like "honor," "pride" and "respect" were thrown around, as were references to the charity money at stake, of course. There were the requisite sound bites about "every one of us deserving to win" or "this will be the closest" of all the season's scores. Yes, the group-hug feel of the entire season culminated in a finale so steeped in admiration, they had to set it in a museum, Malibu's majestic Getty Villa.

All of this made Italian stallion Michael Chiarello's fighting spirit -- so cockily annoying in previous episodes (though this week he attributed this impression to Bravo's editing) -- a breath of fresh air, even if he did overdo the boxing metaphors: "It's like Rocky Marciano, Rocky Balboa and Rocky's trainer all in the ring at the same time," he quipped, leading one to wonder who the Burgess Meredith of this trio of celebrity chefs might be -- graying Frenchman Hubert Keller, perhaps?

The pugilist vibe seemed to indicate that the gloves were coming off, or "the truffles are coming out of the bag." Keller was so enamored of his, which were overnighted from his homeland (what happened to the usual dollar limit on ingredients?) that he did a little celebratory dance, shaking the velvety fungi-like maracas.

Michael Chiarello. Photo: Bravo TV.

At this late stage in the season, there's a few things about "Top Chef Masters" we've come to expect. Foremost among them: When host Kelly Choi breaks out her best grade-school instructional voice, we know we're in for something special.

Last night was no exception. When she offered an oh-so-helpful etymology primer -- "The word 'chef,' as you know, means 'chief'!" -- you could practically see the four remaining pros shudder in their aprons.

Yup, after a season of going it solo, the polished pros would direct a crew of underlings for the penultimate elimination challenge. That the challenge itself was one of the vaguest and least interesting of the season -- cook a buffet for 200 "Hollywood insiders" -- didn't matter, especially considering that the pool of sous-chefs they had to choose from were some of the most memorable: the snottiest, cockiest young turks of "Top Chefs" past.

Spike Mendelsohn, Ilan Hall, Richard Blais, Dale Talde -- they all stood there like kids waiting to be picked for dodgeball.

Zooey Deschanel Photo: Frazer Harrison, Getty Images

Who knew someone as adorable as Zooey Deschanel could be so difficult? Truth be told, when the actress and singer showed up as a guest judge/elfin dinner hostess last night on "Top Chef Masters," we were counting the moments until she threw the inevitable curveball: "I'm a vegetarian."

When she added "no eggs or dairy" -- never uttering the word "vegan" -- and professed her intolerance for soy or wheat, we sensed the evil guiding hand of the show's producers, eager to ratchet up the tension for the five remaining celeb chefs. The only way they could've played it up more would have been to have her break plates and pull a "Mommie Dearest" at the dinner table: "I told you, no gluten ingredients EVER!"

No such luck. The star of the heavily Bravo-promoted "500 Days of Summer" was a model of apologetic demureness when she met the cooks pre-meal, although she did decline Michael Chiarello's request to sing couple of a cappella songs in exchange for his culinary handiwork.

Behind her back, the Italian cuisine maestro was the most outwardly offended by the restrictions, calling them "off-putting."

Chef Anita Lo. Photo: Bravo TV.

Now things get ugly. We've been waiting all season for something to break the respectful, civilized, almost comically cordial spell cast by the "Top Chef Masters" assortment of celebrity chefs, each gingerly battling the other for a claim to Bravo-endorsed superiority (not to mention a philanthropic sack full of Lexus-supplied charity cash). In Wednesday night's first round of finals, the cloud of cheery camaraderie seemed to have finally lifted.

It wasn't the chefs who removed their gloves -- or mitts, to be more appropriate -- but rather, the folks behind the scenes. From the quickfire challenge to the judges' table, the six chefs who've made it this far were subjected to a grueling, baffling psychological experiment the likes of which we haven't seen since the Skinner box.

Maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration. But right from the start, something was off-kilter. Even host Kelly Choi's usual preschool-teacher diction took on a tinge of deviousness as she announced that each chef would be asked to prepare his or her "sig-na-ture dish," making sure to linger on every syllable.

Judge Gael Greene. Photo: Bravo.

Is it just us, or are the Top Chef Masters judges unduly fond of alliteration? Usually it's Saveur's James Oseland who rocks the tongue-twisting final-round zingers -- so good in print, yet so weird to hear on basic cable.

Wednesday it was Gael Greene's turn, surprising us with an oh-so-delicately catty swipe at Swede Nils Norén's "lapsang lapse" of a dessert -- a cube of chocolate goat cheese ganache flanked by orange gel and a smoky, tea-infused cream.

Schizophrenic as it might have tasted, it looked delectable. And the former Aquavit chef deserved bonus integrity points for standing by his dish: "Growing up in Sweden, you smoke a lot of things," he explained, double entendre fully intended.

Sweden vs. California, opakapaka and lawn cuttings after the jump.