This just in, if you ain't on the all natural peanut butter train, and you're eating all that "normal" stuff like Jiff, Skippy, or Peter Pan, then you are headed for trouble. They've got trans fatty acids, and that's no good. Time to smarten up and stir that oil that's separated to the top.

The fats you don't have to stir in are no longer "good" fats, which are what peanuts have before the Man starts hydrogenating them, these good ones are the monounsaturated fats. They are the Annakin Skywalker of fats. Hyrdogenation is the corrupting process by which the good fats become the bad. The reasons for hydrogenation are many -- but the main one here is the separation anxiety.

Whether or not there are as many isoflavones/antioxidants in the average chocolate bar as was previously thought, there is no doubt the beloved chocolate, savior of our existence, is packed with some other very cool ingredients, such as: caffeine, which works to reduce swelling of tired muscles, and sugar for short term energy, and tryptophan, which is what makes you sleepy when you eat turkey at Thanksgiving. There's also a sex drug called phenylethylamine.

This delightful chemical is what science types refer to as the "chocolate amphetamine." This is why nothing beats dark chocolate after sex; the sugar gets your post-orgasm blood flowing again, and the phenylethylamine gooses the post-coitus high. Here's an interesting tidbit: the ancients Aztecs used cocoa beans as money! They used gold like it was dry wall, but cocoa was the cigarettes in the jail of their existence.

This would all be great news, except that I like my chocolate to be made in Pennyslvania instead of Germany, and readily available at the local deli for 75 cents, full of nuts (just like Pennsylvania) but no doubt lacking in the phenylethylamine department. As for those Dark Lindt numbers that boast 85% or 70% cocoa in proud white letters on their labels, I can attest to their effect in my own sparkling sex life. But when there ain't no woman around, when it's just me and my Woody Allen stress, I go for the Snickers or Mr. Goodbar, as they both cause and cure, in the true American way.