"ChefAcademyRecap" news and stories

Ah, another week, another round of semi-canned antics with the motley crew of "Chef Academy," aka "Bravo's Freakshow Top Chef Rejects Hour."

If our zany cast of characters isn't busy getting berated by Angry Sexy Chef Jean-Christophe Novelli, it seems they're desperately trying to give him an excuse to berate them -- in the middle of learning how to cook risotto -- if at all possible. How else to explain this week's manufactured crisis, consisting of a tailor, Novelli's eyeliner-laden gay assistant and a set of chef's whites that just had to be taken in, ASAP?

The perpetrator in question was platinum-blonde student Suzanne, everyone's favorite lacquered, malapropism-spouting Orange County housewife, just struggling to cook the pants off of Novelli and look good doing it. Oh, and if she gained 10 or 15 minutes of fame in the process, we're sure she wouldn't mind.

If last week's episode dwelled on the porn-star past of would-be actor Emmanuel, this week was more or less devoted to the inanity of Suzanne: her philosophies ("They do not understand the gloriosity of having well-glossed lips"), her alliances (hugs with ex-navy cook Kup), and her spray-on tan (you don't understand, her coat was chafing it all off!).

Apparently, someone at Bravo decided they needed their very own Gordon Ramsay. And he needed to be, you know, sexy.

We know this, because on the series premiere of "Chef Academy," we were reminded about 20 times within the first 15 minutes of French chef-extraordinaire Jean Christophe Novelli's tall, dark and smarmy good looks. First by his right-out-of-central-casting flamboyant personal assistant, then by the contestants, then by the reference to a New York Times' survey naming him "The World's Sexiest Chef."

Personally, we think he looks like a cross between "Charles in Charge"-era Scott Baio and an aging Jon Lovitz, but beauty is in the eye of the network, apparently. What struck us most in this inaugural hour was "Chef Academy"'s weird mix of elements. Cooking-competition program, ridiculous-amateur freakshow and yuppie lifestyle catalog all converged to give Monday night's premiere one of those "Is this thing going to last?" vibes that it couldn't quite shake. To quote one of the student-contestants, "This isn't 'Top Chef'!" Don't we know it.