'Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution' - Jamie vs. Pink Milk

Let's get one thing out of the way: Jamie Oliver is not much of a a negotiator. He may inspire, rile people up and create sentimental spectacle, but if you want someone to, say, mediate a peace treaty, he may not be your man.

This was proven in the opening moments of the next-to-last Food Revolution episode. Jamie, apparently, has but six weeks to turn Huntington, W.Va., from the Hot Pocket-gorging capital of America to a paragon of healthful/fresh/natural eating. (The end may be near, but fear not -- if Jamie's ratings are any indication, ABC will no doubt extend the revolution to a city near you fairly soon.)

This being week five, things were getting pretty dire. Huntington's high schoolers were being held captive by the almighty french fry -- which counts as about five servings of vegetables, if you ask the school's nutrition board. Down the street, the elementary school kids had shifted over to Jamie's all-natural nachos and green salads without so much as a peep -- of course, it helps that their teachers had been prodding them along through their lesson plans.
But still, the pre-teens' taciturn head chef Alice was grumbling over the lack of resources to cook from scratch (all that government-sanctioned, boil-in-bag meat from the old days was such a godsend). And despite Jamie's attempts to banish the bright pink, strawberry-flavored milk most kids drank daily, the stuff was shipped right back to the cafeteria within a couple of days.

The reason? The higher-ups were determined to make sure every growing boy and girl got his or her full dose of calcium, even if it meant making them hyperactive, pre-diabetic basket cases in the process. Or as Jamie sarcastically put it: "Clever! I never thought that if you put sugar in everything they'd eat it more!"

Although the thousands of teens over at Huntington High had gotten a taste of Jamie's non-deep-fried alternative menu, he had to prove that they preferred it to their normal roster of coagulated cheese-like substances and hydrogenated soybean oil.

In either case, it was clear the schools were going to need more funding to keep using fresh ingredients, hiring sustainable meat experts and providing at least one macrobiotic seitan option on the menu daily. (Okay, so we're kidding about that last part. But Jamie really did have a sustainable protein supplier!)

So Jamie did what he came to this country to do: Alienate red-blooded American authorities. He kicked off the latest arm of the revolution by gathering up a new cast of characters -- the board from the local hospital -- and asking them to monetarily support his struggle to put Huntington on the right path. (Wait, couldn't his bosses at ABC just siphon a little cash every week away from Extreme Home Makeover? One less jacuzzi for the orphans? We're just sayin'...)

Of course, it's altogether possible that a modern hospital might actually have a vested interest in keeping people in need of obesity related-illness treatment. But we tried to put that cynical thought aside for an hour. Instead, they seemed downright perturbed that Jamie was promoting their region as the fattest in the land.

But our friendly lad wasn't hearing any of it. "Stop being worried about what might, and start being part of what is," Jamie implored, but when the suits thought his tour of super-sized funeral caskets from last week's episode was in bad taste -- which, much as we like the show, it was -- he shrugged off their concerns.

What it came down to was both sides calling the other defensive, which didn't exactly make for great TV. The episode ended in a stalemate, with Jamie still waiting on word from the head honcho Doug.

But the little victories made it all worthwhile. Despite tanking at a school assembly -- indicated by the close-ups of distracted, potbellied teenagers snapping gum and texting -- Jamie convinced the high schoolers to choose his fresh menus over pizza and french fries. He even got a Dead Poets Society moment out of them (sniffle, sniffle).

Still, the best moment of the evening might have been Jamie's trip to the mouth of the river of junk consumed by Huntington: US Foodservice, purveyors of processed "artificial cheese substitute" pizzas and reconstituted, rehydrated, concentrated corn and potato products. As Jamie was led into the sub-zero warehouse where pallets upon pallets of microwaveable nightmare food was stored, we couldn't help but think of the ending of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

In this case, however, the hidden ark was a tiny, secret room of fresh veggies and prime beef, which US Foodservice also claimed to offer. But according to the laws of supply and demand, those things just weren't as needed as all that artery-clogging crap. Chances are it has a lower profit margin, too. Much as Jamie tried to put a nice spin on the company's mission, we knew the truth was otherwise -- the Food Revolution had finally found its real enemy.

Related: Jamie Oliver's Recipe for Kitchen Design