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Photo: TLC
There was a time when we were in awe of the careful art of cake decoration: The sculpting of delicate fondant flowers, the geometric applications of buttercream, the stacking of fluffy sheets of vanilla cake into gravity-defying architectural wonders.
But now we're starting to worry. There's a fine line between art and madness, and in 2010, we've crossed over into full-blown obsessive-compulsive pastry disorder.
Between the Food Network and TLC, cake mania has reached insane heights -- literally. Like figure skating or Donald Trump's buildings, the bigger and kitschier, the better. A cake isn't a cake unless it spins like a ferris wheel, contains more sugar than a refinery and looks like a teetering game of Jenga on steroids.
Don't get us wrong, we love the pyrotechnic hipster creativity of the Charm City staff on Ace of Cakes. And the acquired-taste Cake Boss has its moments of sweet-tooth ingenuity. But the success of these big-city eccentrics is bringing all of the cake crazies out of the woodwork.
Take for instance, the cast of characters that showed up on this week's Ultimate Cake-Off on TLC, now in its second season. There's Mike, the semi-creepy, shell-necklaced Missouri native (and former Ultimate Cake champion), who brought along his mother to help construct a 10-foot-tall paean to the American Kennel Club, this week's special guest.
"Mom, you put it on upside down!" he barked after she awkwardly affixed a heart to a larger-than-life-sized sugary bag of puppy chow. Karma intervened later when, pulling his precarious creation up to the judging table, the ungrateful son showed more than a little butt crack to the cameras. But he did get praise from the judges for artfully "luster dusting" his dogs with frosting -- the mark, apparently, of a true obsessive.
We far preferred the evening's other contestants. The soft-spoken Wayne, who claimed his background in auto repair made him the perfect cakesmith, presented a spinning tableaux of cute little stylized creatures -- some a little too stylized, after their frosting melted -- jumping through hoops.
Christine, who ran her team like a tyrant (and browbeat her husband until he just about cracked), had us worried at first. Introducing herself, she explained, "I am known for how I marble my fondant," and while that sounded like a naughty euphemism, we soon saw what she meant. She rolled out an elegant platform of four marbled cakes, with four little trick-performing dogs on each, and a doggy-pedestal in the center. We could've done without the giant sash at the top; bonus points, however, for making her cake batter chai-flavored.
But unique flavor and smooth stylization be damned: In the end, the maniacal Mike took home his second Ultimate Cake win, saying that now that he could finally "live up" to his mom's example. Funny, he didn't seem that charitable in the clinch -- but then, cake obsessives never do.
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2-10-2010 @11:42AM christopher said... I just always think "but what does it taste like?" Fondant is terrible and inside always seems to be plain white cake. I don't watch the shows a lot so maybe I'm missing it but I'd take a plain ol'single tier carrot cake over most of what I see there. Art for sure, but after I'm done eating with my eyes my gut wants some too.
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2-10-2010 @12:07PM cathy said... Years ago when my daughter was about 10, I was working one evening and her and my husband decided to bake a layer cake, something neither of them had ever done. When they were done done frosting the 3 layers, my husband looked at her and said "You know I hve always wanted to take a cake like this and "dig in" you know, with my hands and just grab a chunk of cake and eat it. They did. When I came home and saw the cake it looked like a 3 tier mess, but my daughter (grown now) still talks about when her and her dad tore into a cake, and laughed for hours. Now that kind of cake making is impressive to me. http://newsy1.wordpress.com
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2-10-2010 @8:56PM Steven Ruza said... I would be so mad if I did all that work and someone stuck their hand in it...ah... - Steven Ruza
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2-10-2010 @7:34PM B. N. Reel said... It's unfortunate that "cooking TV" has gone from knowledgable professionals teaching their ways to bombastic egos browbeating their staff for our pleasure. Now, all we learn is what nasty people hide behind fondant and jimmies.
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2-11-2010 @8:24AM LinC said... I wouldn't mind those shows if it looked like anybody could EAT the cake afterwards. Half the time the structure is styrofoam. Hey, Food Network, how about a show where it counts how the food tastes. With all these challenge shows (aka game shows), you seem to have lost the "food" part of Food Network.
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2-13-2010 @2:06AM Jennifer Atwood said... Linc,
Watch the UCO on March 15. Our cake was 98% cake and 2% chocolate. No styrofoam, no rice treats. Just the cake and the stand. We are very proud of this.