'Chef Academy' - Risotto, Lipliner and Severed Fingernails

by Michael Thomas Hastings, Posted Dec 1st 2009 @ 11:00AM

Suzanne, looking
restrained. Photo: Bravo.

Ah, another week, another round of semi-canned antics with the motley crew of "Chef Academy," aka "Bravo's Freakshow Top Chef Rejects Hour."

If our zany cast of characters isn't busy getting berated by Angry Sexy Chef Jean-Christophe Novelli, it seems they're desperately trying to give him an excuse to berate them -- in the middle of learning how to cook risotto -- if at all possible. How else to explain this week's manufactured crisis, consisting of a tailor, Novelli's eyeliner-laden gay assistant and a set of chef's whites that just had to be taken in, ASAP?

The perpetrator in question was platinum-blonde student Suzanne, everyone's favorite lacquered, malapropism-spouting Orange County housewife, just struggling to cook the pants off of Novelli and look good doing it. Oh, and if she gained 10 or 15 minutes of fame in the process, we're sure she wouldn't mind.

If last week's episode dwelled on the porn-star past of would-be actor Emmanuel, this week was more or less devoted to the inanity of Suzanne: her philosophies ("They do not understand the gloriosity of having well-glossed lips"), her alliances (hugs with ex-navy cook Kup), and her spray-on tan (you don't understand, her coat was chafing it all off!).

Half the stuff out her mouth sounds scripted; the other half suggests Jayne Mansfield has risen from the dead to give us all a few nuggets of wisdom. Either way, we're enjoying her shtick immensely, so long as Bravo doesn't keep mucking up her character arc with more fabricated "plots" like the chatty emergency tailor showing up, conveniently, to interrupt a lesson.

More revelations from this week's show:

When someone slices into a digit, Bravo is there: Emmanuel's gory finger-cutting incident was not complete without an extreme close-up on the bloody fingernail he managed to sever on the cutting board. So much for that awesome red sauce he was ruining by adding a bunch of smoky paprika.

The Two Bald-Headed Guys Named Kyle have officially been distinguished as Kyle and Kup. This helps, because they spend so much bro-time hanging out, complaining about the women in class, and exchanging unintentionally homoerotic comments (Kup, after being kissed on the cheek by Novelli: "That was the first -- actually that was the second time I was kissed by a guy!") that they're practically indistinguishable.

Novelli's accent -- if not his stories and asides -- has gotten more tolerable. And when we can't figure out what he's saying, Bravo gives us more subtitles than before. Luckily, there's still room for a chestnut like, "I've got to put pray-shure on them! Because I want ree-soolts!"

That pressure, in fact, was so high this week Novelli didn't even reveal the losers in the risotto-and-red-sauce challenge -- that'll have to wait for next week. Instead, he delivered a huge fake-out: What seemed like a stern comeuppance for Kyle, Kup and their shared nemesis Zoe was actually a triumphant victory speech. Go ahead Bravo, drag it out -- if we're in this for eight-plus weeks, "Chef Academy" needs all the suspense it can get.

Filed Under: Television/Film
Tags: bravo, chef academy, chef academy recap, ChefAcademy, ChefAcademyRecap, jean christophe novelli, JeanChristopheNovelli