Photo: Matti Mattila, Flickr.
New York Times blogger Bruce Buschel has done a great service by compiling a list of 100 Things Restaurant Staffers Should Never Do – if nothing else, he's given fed-up diners one more forum in which to vent their ever-mounting aggravations. Thanks for the break, Bruce.
Most diners and servers would stand behind the majority of Buschel's prescriptions, which include not cursing (Rule 45), opening Champagne without making a ruckus (Rule 29) and knowing what the bar stocks (Rule 81). But his list is far from perfect. While Buschel's document would make a fine training manual for butlers, it fails to acknowledge the realities of running a restaurant. Here's what Buschel apparently forgot:
Some things are beyond a server's control.
One of Buschel's first recommendations (Rule 4) is to offer a free drink to someone who's had to wait a long time for a table. "The guest may be hungry and thirsty," he explains. May be? I think it's a safe assumption that anyone who shows up at a restaurant is craving food and drink. But I don't know of a single server who's empowered to start giving that stuff away.
The same goes for Rule 23, which insists diners be alerted to 86'd items before they open their menus. Since the hostess usually drops off menus when she seats a table, cutting her off would require Usian Bolt-speed (and necessitate breaking Rule 33 – Do not bang into chairs or tables.)
Hostesses, of course, should brief diners on which items are no longer available. But often they don't, just as the kitchen often turns out the first appetizer on a ticket a full 12 minutes before the second appetizer is ready. I completely agree that servers should "bring all the appetizers at the same time" (Rule 60), but I won't let a tray of raw oysters sit in the window while a new guy struggles to properly heat a dish of crab dip.
Servers aren't robots.
A server's job description encompasses far more than just delivering and clearing plates. As even Buschel acknowledges in Rule 52 ("Know your menu inside and out"), servers should function as knowledgeable escorts, unobtrusively guiding you through the eating-out experience. That's why I hope Buschel will seriously consider scrubbing Rule 10 ("Do not interject your personal favorites when explaining the specials"). Servers are the only people in the whole world who have tasted that night's special, and customers count on them to deliver an honest verdict. Is the lamb phenomenal? Do tell.
Restaurants are shared spaces.
There are all sorts of things that happen in public dining rooms that would be absolutely unacceptable in a private home. If my mother blasted Kenny G during Thanksgiving dinner, say, I'd have the volume turned down before the cranberry sauce even made it to the table.
In a restaurant context, though, Buschel's contention that servers should change the music upon request (Rule 91) makes no sense. Unless you're dining at one of those kitschy retro diners where there's a mini jukebox on every table, you're stuck listening to whatever the manager -- not, please note, the servers -- selects.
Buschel's edict that incomplete parties should always be sat (Rule 4) poses the same problem. That's fine if you're a member of the unfinished four-top, but doesn't work out so well for other diners. Since most tables won't order until every member of the group has arrived, seating a few people at a time puts a perfectly good table out of commission for an extra 45 minutes – at best.
A few of Buschel's other decrees are just strange (has anyone ever really resented their server for complimenting their hairdo, as Rule 42 maintains?). And there's certainly a bit of naïveté behind Rule 23, which says that if a guest likes a bottle of wine, the server should then steam off its label for presentation. A server doing an arts-and-crafts project is a reliable sign of a seriously troubled restaurant.
Still, Buschel's list isn't bad. As a server, I applaud any attempt to codify what we do. I'm just not taking responsibility for the radio.
What do you think of the 100 Rules? Did Buschel miss anything? Tell us in the comments!
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