Have we really gotten so far into the current season of "Top Chef" that Bravo feels the need to start dragging out the suspense -- namely, when will Robin be eliminated -- with an arbitrary, 11-chef reunion special? In retrospect, we should have known that that Very Special Natalie Portman episode was preparing us for an agonizing, two-week hibernation. Wake us when it's sweeps week.

In actuality, "Top Chef All Stars" was less a "where are they now" gift to loyal fans than it was a five-season clip compilation for non-fans, reminding them that the current Vegas edition, entertaining as it is, can't hold a candle to the pissy dysfunction -- or bad hairstyles -- of seasons past.

Presided over by Season Five's grade-A diva Fabio, the evening mostly succeeded in being a mellow, low-tension meeting of 11 "fan favorite" cheftestants. And don't think they got a free trip to Los Angeles without having to cook, either, although at least this time they were granted a luxurious $500 budget at Whole Foods. Still, drama and revelations were in short supply, while the most prominent theme of the evening was -- newsflash -- Marcel is still a dick. (Although he and Ilan seem to be legitimately chummy nowadays.)

The Season Two pipsqueak with the loud mouth and Robert Pattinson-on-steroids hair dominated this so-called reunion, both in present tense and in lovingly edited montages. You want a replay of Marcel talking over the judges during his critique? You got it. Care to revisit the unsuccessful attempt by his housemates to pin him down and shave off his downy brown locks? We don't, if only because it didn't produce the desired result: Marcel crying like a bald-headed baby.

Ah, those were the days. Certainly, drunk outbursts and unchecked arrogance have always been -- and will always be -- part of "Top Chef"'s winning formula, but Kevin, Jennifer and many of their Season Six cohorts have been positively demure and self-lacerating by comparison.

Instead, "Top Chef All Stars" reminded us -- via its drinking montage, scathing-critique montage and throw-your-peers-under-the-bus montage -- that outre behavior and cocky unprofessionalism make for great TV. Other moments we would have liked to have seen:

- A time-lapse montage showing the evolution of Dale's mohawk in Season Three and beyond.

- A glossary for decoding half of what the heavily accented, marble-mouthed Fabio and Stefan were saying. When they shared a shot together -- which was often, considering that the "Top Chef New York" duo acted like long-lost Euro-mafia buddies -- we could barely make out a syllable.

- More of Hung, Season Three's man-of-few-words winner was a dazzling chef to watch, but last night he barely got a word in edgewise, let alone a killer montage to call his own.

- Less of Hung's co-finalist Casey. Her reconciliation with Carla was an anti-climax -- no hard feelings on either side -- reinforcing our notion that she's "Top Chef"'s Jennifer Aniston-equivalent: Safe, pretty and mild, like a nice glass of warm milk.

Speaking of Casey, little did we know that her "we can drink some wine and be very civilized" comment at the beginning of the reunion would end up being so on-the-nose. The closest the evening came to a dramatic confrontation was Fabio's bizarre outburst towards the end, when he asked all cameras to be shut off (they weren't, of course) so he could reprimand the other chefs for making him look bad. It was the ultimate post-"Top Chef" irony: Doesn't he realize that looking bad on a reality show only promotes your career more? Sounds like someone needs to take a page from the Marcel playbook.