Robin, the thorn in Top Chefs' sides. Photo: Bravo.

Toby Young really missed his potatoes last night. In his return to the "Top Chef" judges' table, the snarky British author and all-purpose pundit was presented with a couple of deconstructed dishes that, at their best, would've celebrated his homeland.

At their worst, however -- and as prepared by Ash and Laurine, respectively, they were at their worst -- the two concoctions were an outright affront to the dear old Blighty: fish 'n' chips and shepherd's pie. Even guest judges Penn and Teller, chosen for their skill at deconstructing magic tricks, couldn't contain their disgust.

Credit Laurine for at least trying: Her cube of halibut, pile of zucchini relish and smear of tomato confit was what an eager community college-student might think deconstructed cuisine should look like. But the all-important tuber was merely represented by a tiny communion wafer of chewy, parsley-infused potato. Missing "what you call fries, what I call chips," Young and company summoned her to the loser's circle.

Ash's, meanwhile, was a mess of elements on a plate, ranging from inconsistently cooked lamb chops to pea puree, glopped on in a desperate attempt to make up for a potato-parsnip side dish that was "too gluey" to serve. As if that admonition wasn't enough, the young cook went so far as to confess that the only shepherd's pie he had ever tasted was his own, which brought to mind nothing so much as Jodie Foster in "Nell," living by her own special language that no one else could understand.
As clearly inferior as Kevin was superior, Ron -- humble, jovial, resolutely unchallenging Ron -- provided a dish so lackluster, it was clear he'd be the one to go home. Thinking he had the challenge wrapped up when he was assigned paella, the Haitian chef not only didn't know how to deconstruct it, he was told he probably didn't know how to cook it in the first place. (Another victim of "Nell" syndrome.) His sorry section of mushy rice, topped with the predictable accompaniment of shrimp, left nothing to the imagination -- and on a magic-themed episode, that could only mean he would be the one to go home.

And Ash and Laurine were the least of it. As we approach the mid-point of the season, the claws are coming out in a big way -- not to mention the "Top Chef" editors' arsenal of portentous sidelong glances. Right off the top of the episode, we caught glimpses of Michael shooting a "you can't school me" look at big bro Bryan; and the ever-impudent Jersey Mike, emanating disgust at Robin's quickfire win (for a simple raw salad and apple crisp).

He wasn't the only one begrudging the cancer survivor's top-of-pack status. Laurine found Robin adding insult to injury in the kitchen, as she hummed and prattled on while others toiled. Even the usually good-natured Ash joined the haters after he got his talking-to from the judges: "I'm gonna stick to salads and crisps," he sneered when he skulked back into the waiting room.

There was so much vitriol to go around, the judges had no time for compliments for the four chefs who served the best food. While we were secretly rooting for comeback-kid Ashley and her lusciously caramelized pot roast, Kevin's take on black mole was the clear choice, as balanced and artful as a Picasso (although arguably more mouth-watering). For his win, he was also rewarded with a zillion-piece set of nonstick cookware -- begging the question, exactly how much Teflon does a Top Chef need?