Tales of the Cocktail: A Short Survival Guide

Tasting glasses at Tales of the Cocktail. Photo: nerdling/flickr

Drinking five tequila cocktails before 10 a.m. may be decadent – but, as Tales of the Cocktail attendees know, it can also be daunting.

The cocktail industry's premiere annual geekfest tests the hardihood of even the most seasoned drinkers. Alcohol is everywhere at Tales: Seminar presenters are required to serve no fewer than three cocktails during the course of their talks, and the schedule allows Tales-goers to attend four seminars a day. Not counting the tasting rooms, receptions and other special events where booze flows as freely as the mighty Mississip, that's still an epic amount of drinking.

So, in the interest of our readers' well-being, we present here a short guide to surviving Tales.

1. Drink. But not just alcohol: Water is the single most important liquid most attendees will imbibe all week. As folks from the Northeast and the balmy Bay Area yearly discover, New Orleans weather alone is enough to induce dehydration. To avoid horrendous hangovers -- and worse -- it's essential to drink water, and lots of it.

2. Eat. Strangely, this isn't always an easy command to heed in one of the nation's great gastronomic capitals. The Tales schedule includes a scant 30-minute lunch break, which is why the only New Orleans sandwich many attendees ever eat comes from the Subway on Royal Street. That's unacceptable on every level: Not only is eating critical to staying sober longer, but the city's culinary heritage is far too rich to be so summarily ignored. That's why smart Tales-goers pack their lunches: Tote your muffaletta or po' boy with you.

3. Spit. There's no rule saying drinkers must swallow when sampling straight spirits. The to-go cup issued to every Tales-goer upon arrival works just as well as a makeshift spittoon.

4. Shake. Tales isn't just a lesson in hangover avoidance. The event's a terrific opportunity to meet and greet, although making introductions is somewhat complicated by Tales not issuing name tags (presumably so over-imbibers can't be identified when they're found facedown in the lobby.) Since offering to buy someone a drink is a fairly hollow bribe at Tales (see above), the best introduction is a business card. Carry more cards than you think you need, and distribute them widely: Because for all the talk here about distilling procedures and aging techniques, drinking is really all about socializing.