Our wonderful (and similarly food-frenzied) friends at Chow asked a question today that may have some folks bristling: Is it ever OK to ogle a stranger's meal at a restaurant and ask what she's eating?
Etiquette writer Helena Echlin posits that "though it's OK to look, staring at people while they're eating makes them uncomfortable. If you need help identifying a dish, ask the server (avoid pointing if you can). Don't ask the person eating it." She notes an exception in the case of ridiculously close tables -- common in places like New York City and San Francisco -- in which case it would be absurdly formal to summon a waiter. Echlin interviews a restaurant expert who declares he "would never cross the imaginary wall" between tables.
In a crowded eatery with tiny two-tops, it's true that an "imaginary wall" can feel especially important. When a noisy couple are inches away, your demure chatter about the weather quickly turns into an extended dance remix with their loud argument about his mother-in-law.
[Via Chow]
Read more and take the poll after the jump.
But we have to wonder if this is common only in larger cities: in Portland, Ore., we recall hilarious conversations with strangers about who ordered what and whether it was good that turned into foodie bonding moments. But we were grateful when the other party knew when to smile and turn back to their own conversation. As Echlin says, "If [a fellow diner] ... offers you a considered evaluation, that's great. If he just says, 'I'm having the pig trotters,' don't demand a full review. Just say thank you and turn back to your companion."
Is it ever OK to ask about other people's meal? Do you believe in the "invisible wall"? What are your rules?
5-07-2009 @5:46PM Kat Kinsman said... I tend to ask the server what it is, but I don't mind when people ask me.
I do recall a diner at another table once offering me a wilted gerber daisy in exchange for one of my quarter-potato steak fries. I declined.
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5-07-2009 @6:28PM Anne said... It completely depends on the situation. Why do people need these horrible black-and-white rules? And what's wrong with talking to people around you? I love it when someone's not afraid to ask what's on my plate; we generally have a fun conversation. ON the other hand, if I was at a romantic whatever restaurant with my man, I probably wouldn't want to get interrupted! Have some common sense, people.
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5-07-2009 @6:30PM Dave said... I generaly don't dine in "snooty" places where there's more than one fork, spoon, and knife on the table. So I find that people are more than willing to talk to you and tell you what their eating if you ask. It's certainly never bothered me. I even had one guy offer me a bite, but I said "no thanks" and ordered my own. It was delicious, I'm glad I asked.
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5-07-2009 @6:30PM Carl Alviani said... I think the example of Portland, OR is instructive: it's generally OK to ask a neighbor what they're having, if you're polite about it, but I think that has more to do with Portland's culture (we're a painfully accommodating bunch here in the Beaver State) than restaurant culture as a whole.
Trying to make general statements about proper etiquette while eating is a bit like establishing rules for driving etiquette, and I can assure you that accepted driving practice in Oregon is also quite different from its NYC counterpart.
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5-07-2009 @6:54PM Adam said... Wow.. are we that anti-social as a society that someone can't politely inquire as to what someone is eating. I wouldn't hesitate to ask no matter what the establishment, but be aware to never invade their personal space. If someone is so sensitive that they can't handle some polite human interaction then maybe they shouldn't be out in a public place.
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5-07-2009 @7:39PM Kate said... I agree with both Kat and Anne. I never mind when I'm asked, provided it doesn't turn into a long Q&A session when I'm trying to dine ("Is is more salty or sour? Do you think it's seasoned adequately?" -actual questions I've received). As for when I want to ask, if the server is handy, I ask the server. If not, I try to use my own powers of deduction. If it's a very casual restaurant, or I can sense I wouldn't be interrupting a business or personal discussion, I simply pardon myself, and ask "what that delicious looking choice is." Like Kat, I've been asked if I could share my food as well -- a patron at a restaurant in SF said "I'll give you my untouched glass of iced tea if I can have that fat you trimmed off your steak."
Pass.
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5-08-2009 @12:50AM Megan said... I would be creeped out if someone asked what my meal was. Having someone say "what are you eating ?" would get funny looks in my area of the South. People would think (me included) "Oh goodness, it's one of those weirdos / pervs who starts conversations on the bus and doesn't go away."
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5-08-2009 @9:03AM LinC said... I'm also in the South and it wouldn't be taken badly at all if someone politely inquired about my dinner.
That whole "invisible wall" business is very Big City. In places like New York, you have to pretend to have a cone of silence around you just to survive. Or perhaps it's caused by the atmosphere in really snooty restaurants. I think it's perfectly okay to interact with other diners as long as you do it politely and then leave them in peace. Asking your waiter also makes sense because the waiter can explain better what's in the dish you observed.
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5-08-2009 @11:12AM dr.ellen said... It depends on why you want to know. If it looks scary, ask the waiter. If it looks good, say something like, "Excuse me, but your dish looks divine. Do you mind if I ask what it is?" When you phrase it as a compliment, people take it as one, even if they had nothing to do with it other than order. I'm from NW Pennsylvania and we're about as uptight as it gets here. I don't think it would offend anyone.
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5-08-2009 @12:22PM Karee said... I love when people ask me what I'm eating because then I feel like I've got really good food, and everyone wishes they were me and were eating it too!
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5-08-2009 @6:56PM dividend said... it depends on the culture, too... in India it's considered really rude.
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5-09-2009 @9:24PM Jamie said... Back when I first moved to San Francisco my date for the evening (now my Husband) and I were eating at Blowfish Sushi and saw some guy drinking this weird milk-like coctail and just had to ask what that was. He was polite, offered up a couple of sips even, and ever since then we have both been so in love with Nigori Sake.
As long as you are polite, of course it's ok to ask.
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