God knows, I resisted. The bizarre news that Starbucks will soon be releasing "VIA Ready Brew," an instant coffee line has been in the news for a few days now, but I've fought the temptation to attack the coffee retailer. After all, while I'm not a fan of Starbucks, there isn't really any joy in watching a company that built its reputation on the cafe experience sell out its customers for a quick buck. Mediocrity is depressing, even when it is undertaken by a huge, menacing corporation.It's not like this hasn't been in the cards for a while. After all, the Starbucks marketing leviathan has long since squeezed out numerous independent retailers with its insane market saturation. Along the way, they have sold pretty much everything related to the coffee experience, from mugs to t-shirts, truffles to beans. In the past few years, the name "Starbucks" has become to coffee what McDonald's is to hamburgers, Kleenex is to tissues, and Roto Rooter is to septic systems: it is almost a generic term for a completely commodified service.
Still, I managed to resist the urge to attack Starbucks as they take this final step on the road to self-parody. However, when the company's CEO, Howard Schultz, tried to justify the decision in an editorial on the Huffington Post, I couldn't hold back any longer. Anyone who enjoys watching a corporate tool use self-important business-speak to justify an untenable decision should definitely give it a peek. Schultz begins with a brief analysis of the huge instant coffee market, followed by an explanation of how the chain's core audience will love the new product line. For a final flourish, Schultz ends with a strangely out-of-touch analysis of the company's patrons.
In Schultz's view, Starbucks' customers are value-minded individuals who appreciate quality but expect to get a lot for their money. "The Simplifiers," as he calls them, are sure to embrace the (relative) cost-effectiveness of the new line, thankful for the opportunity to enjoy "a cup of Starbucks VIA ready-brew on a mountaintop."
The thing of it is, it's hard to imagine a world in which paying four bucks for a cup of burned-tasting coffee and half a pound of whipped cream is a thoughtful, value-packed investment. Moreover, one has to wonder if Schultz's "Simplifiers" have ever heard of a thermos. After all, loading up a cup of pre-made coffee is a hell of a lot easier than trucking a camp stove, water, and coffee up to the top of Old Smoky.
On the bright side, at least the name is a definite improvement over most of Starbucks' tortured misapplications of the Italian language. After all, "via" is the Italian word for road, and, if past history is any judge, the coffee will probably taste like asphalt. It's nice to know that, in one way at least, the chain is taking a solid step forward.
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