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Years ago, when I was preparing to propose to my wife, I worked with a goldsmith to design a beautiful engagement ring. However, given that I was popping the question in Poland, I thought it best to also pick up a cheaper ring that, while unique, was a bit less expensive. After all, losing a $100 ring while backpacking through Eastern Europe is tough, but losing one that cost a few thousand dollars would be hard to deal with. Anyway, I decided on a simple silver ring with an engraved lyric on the outside. Since one of my wife's favorite songsmiths is 50 Cent, I chose one of his more famous lines (and one of her favorites) for the inscription. Unfortunately, Wal-Mart found the quote somewhat obscene, and refused to do the engraving. In fact, when I suggested the inclusion of ampersands, asterisks, and "at" signs in lieu of certain key letters, they (somewhat aggressively) asked me to leave the jewelry area.
With this in mind, I feel a certain kinship with poor Adolf Hitler Campbell, of Hunterdon County, New Jersey. A ShopRite in nearby Easton, Pennsylvania apparently refused to write the young boy's name on top of a cake, stating that the store reserves the right to refuse any inscription that they deem inappropriate. This is, apparently, the Campbells' third unsuccessful attempt to get the ShopRite to make a cake for their son; one time, they also asked to have a swastika included in the design.
When this story found its way into the local papers, Campbell responded by stating that he chose to call his son Adolf Hitler because he liked the name. He went on to note that "[our new President] says its time for a change [...] they need to accept the name." While I don't find the name Adolf Hitler particularly sonorous, I'm also not a fan of the names of Campbell's other two kids, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell. Then again, my daughter, Idi Amin Dada Watson, and I agree that parents should be free to name their kids whatever they want. My cat, Pol Pot Meow Meow Watson concurs.
I only have three questions:
1. What kind of sadistic parent puts his kid's middle name on a cake? My middle name, Wallace, isn't particularly bad, but I would still have gotten a little upset if my parents chose to flaunt it in front of all my birthday guests.
2. Why keep going back to the same ShopRite? Does Mr. Campbell think that their policy is going to suddenly change? Seriously, move on and find another bakery.
3. If it's really all about the cake, why not pick up a couple of tubes of decorator icing and do their own lettering?
At any rate, the Campbells ultimately found a company that was willing to write little Addie's full name on the cake. I'll give you three guesses who it was.
Wal-Mart. Seriously.
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12-17-2008 @7:20PM phlipper said... Um, you bought your engagement ring at Wal-Mart? Then you tried to engrave it with 50 Cent lyrics? Dude, you already lost me.
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12-17-2008 @7:35PM Virginia said... Ok, just to make some things clear here:
1. I am the author of this post's wife.
2. He did NOT buy my engagement ring at Wal-Mart thank you very much. He designed it and had it made for me at an artisan jeweler. With his mother's diamond set in it.
3. The reason why he was trying to have it engraved with 50-Cent lyrics is because I was being an a$$hole one day when he asked me what I wanted inscribed on it, and I replied with a particularly offensive lyric from the song P.I.M.P.
4. Sure enough, three years later, Bruce finally managed to find somebody to do the engraving and surprised me with a ring on Valentines day with those very lyrics. I think he presented it to me with the ultra romantic words: "Touche, motherf***er.
5. No, really, romance isn't dead. Even in our twisted little world.
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12-17-2008 @8:13PM Danielle said... Perhaps they should invest in some cake mix, canned frosting, and those cute little candy letters and just make a blasted cake themselves!
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12-17-2008 @9:15PM RobynT said... I find the Wal-Mart/50 Cent thing pretty funny. And I also find it ridiculous that Wal-Mart wouldn't print "profanity" but will print "Happy Birthday Adolf Hitler." *sigh*
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12-17-2008 @8:43PM Scott said... Yes, but that would deny them their 15 minutes of fame, and prevent them from making a public stink.
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12-17-2008 @9:59PM clara said... bruce and virginia are officially the coolest couple i've never met.
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12-17-2008 @10:12PM piccola said... The ring story is - no joke - one of the most romantic things I've heard in a while. Love it.
As for the family, obviously it would have taken less time, effort and cash to make the cake themselves (or even decorate a store-bought one). I bet the whole thing was a clever ploy to get their hero's name in print. For once, I don't suspect a corporate marketing scheme - it's a little far-fetched this time, even for Wal-Mart.
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12-18-2008 @12:55AM Dr. Electro said... Never, ever believe in the goodness of Wal-Mart. If their greedy marketing gurus could possibly have dreamed this scheme up, they did it. Then again, there are skinhead neo-nazis in this country.
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12-18-2008 @6:53AM TJ said... Just to correct one thing, I went to college in that area and the Shoprite that is being discussed is in Greenwich, NJ, not in Easton, PA.
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12-18-2008 @7:45AM Anne said... Are you seriously saying you feel sympathy to some people who named their children like one of the worst dictators in history? And who wanted an swastika on a birthday cake? They would probably want to intern you in a concentration camp for having a rap lyric in ring...
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12-19-2008 @7:27AM LordJezo said... Some others have pointed it out but again, the Shop Rite is in NJ, not PA.
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12-18-2008 @8:55PM Kris said... I do feel bad for the kid because he didn't choose his name (and can't legally change it by himself until he's 18) and he doesn't get to have a birthday cake because his parents have to make a statement.
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