Sarah (Lee)'s Nothing-Homemade Thanksgiving

In case you haven't figured it out yet, we have a strange love-hate-love-hate-hate-hate relationship with the Femme Faux-tale of the Food Network, Sandra Lee. On the one hand, the blonde, bubble-headed Barbie doll of a woman whose body couldn't possibly absorb a single molecule of the fat and calorie-laden "food" she "cooks" in front of the camera is everything we as food lovers would hate. Buy everything, and fake like you made it. On the other hand, who doesn't love a woman who matches her quilted headband to her JV-cheerleader-tight deep V-neck sweater to her apron to her kitchen tiles and appliances?!?! And when she goes all pink, you know she means business.

Now, we have to admit that it's been a very long time since we've sworn off the Food Network, so we haven't seen the semi-homemade siren since she dressed herself up as a semi-ho fairy Godmother for a Halloween special two years ago, but we suspect that she, like most other personalities, contributed in some way to the Network's Thanksgiving with her semi-homemade recipes and advice. However, we here at Slashfood wonder why? Why only go halfway? Why only go semi-homemade? It sounds like a cop-out. Why not go that extra mile, all the way, and go nothing homemade for Thanksgiving?

We give you Sarah (Lee)'s Nothing Homemade Thanksgiving, because yes, that's how we do when we're on the edge of a tryptophan-induced food coma:


Popeye's Baby Spinach Salad-in-a-bag with Craisins and Planter's Candied Pecans - Toss with bottled dressing. We suggest Girard's Balsamic Vinaigrette. Don't forget to shake the bottle before your pour it onto the spinach.

King's Hawaiian Sweet Rolls - I swear, if you serve butter as foil-wrapped pats that you slipped into your handbag at the local diner, you will be our semi-hero.

Honeybaked Turkey - Your source for fully cooked hams, amazingly, has turkeys, too! Turkeys are fully cooked and ready to eat, and it's not just a turkey breast - it's a whole turkey, on the bone so you can pretend like you're going to make roast turkey stock after dinner. (Don't worry, canned chicken broth is so close to turkey stock, you'd be amazed.) Don't ask me how I know about this. I just do.

Stove Top Stuffing - Do not, absolutely do not, take the "suggestions" on the side of the box and add fresh chopped vegetables like carrots, celery and onions. If you do, you will ruin the fun of re-hydrating freeze-dried vegetables.

Campbell's Turkey Gravy in a Jar - Jars are so much classier than cans, even though using good ol' muscle to open a jar is slightly more homemade than using an electric gadget to open a can.

Potato Buds mashed potatoes - I'm going out on a limb here with Potato Buds because I think you may have to boil water, but don't quote me on that.

Green Bean Casserole - Don't anyone dare challenge me by saying that green bean casserole requires actual cooking or else why would there be a "recipe" and instructions to place a 9x13 pan in the oven for some certain amount of time? Please. Every single "ingredient" in Campbell's/French's testimony to marketing genius requires no washing, prepping, or chopping. Canned green beans, canned cream of mushroom soup, canned french fried onions. At the very most, I will give you "semi-homemade" on this, but I bet even Sandra Lee's agent would touch that one with a 10-foot ladle.

Princella "Can"-died Yams - Princella makes it so easy it's almost painful.

Kraft Easy Mac - Cook the entire box of 6 packets in the microwave, pour into a casserole dish, and you're done in just over 3½ minutes, depending on your oven's wattage.

Green Giant Broccoli and Cheese - See above re: Kraft Easy Mac.

Ocean Spray canned jellied cranberry sauce - This is "fancy" because it has molded rings on it.

Claim Jumper "Homestyle" Pumpkin Pie - Serve a la mode with Haagen Dazs Vanilla Ice Cream.

Don't forget the tablescape! Your grocery store has a paper goods aisle where they have paper table cloths in different colors. Get one that fits your table in a Thanksgiving-y color like brown or orange. If you want to make it extra special, plastic-backed paper tablecloths will protect your table from chemical (because that's what nothing homemade really is) spills. For some reason, real wax candles that burn actual flames seem all wrong. Definitely go with an LED "candle," which is actually better for our environment, and won't risk setting your disposable paper table ablaze.

As you know, it's the little extra details that make your Nothing Homemade dinner really Nothing Homemade. The best way to serve this on the buffet so that absolutely no one is confused about the dinner is to cut out the brand logos from each of the packages, hot glue gun each one to an individual piece of cardboard, and
place on the table next to each dish.

Happy Thanksgving!