In case you haven't figured it out yet, we have a strange love-hate-love-hate-hate-hate relationship with the Femme Faux-tale of the Food Network, Sandra Lee. On the one hand, the blonde, bubble-headed Barbie doll of a woman whose body couldn't possibly absorb a single molecule of the fat and calorie-laden "food" she "cooks" in front of the camera is everything we as food lovers would hate. Buy everything, and fake like you made it. On the other hand, who doesn't love a woman who matches her quilted headband to her JV-cheerleader-tight deep V-neck sweater to her apron to her kitchen tiles and appliances?!?! And when she goes all pink, you know she means business.
Now, we have to admit that it's been a very long time since we've sworn off the Food Network, so we haven't seen the semi-homemade siren since she dressed herself up as a semi-ho fairy Godmother for a Halloween special two years ago, but we suspect that she, like most other personalities, contributed in some way to the Network's Thanksgiving with her semi-homemade recipes and advice. However, we here at Slashfood wonder why? Why only go halfway? Why only go semi-homemade? It sounds like a cop-out. Why not go that extra mile, all the way, and go nothing homemade for Thanksgiving?
We give you Sarah (Lee)'s Nothing Homemade Thanksgiving, because yes, that's how we do when we're on the edge of a tryptophan-induced food coma:
Popeye's Baby Spinach Salad-in-a-bag with Craisins and Planter's Candied Pecans - Toss with bottled dressing. We suggest Girard's Balsamic Vinaigrette. Don't forget to shake the bottle before your pour it onto the spinach.
King's Hawaiian Sweet Rolls - I swear, if you serve butter as foil-wrapped pats that you slipped into your handbag at the local diner, you will be our semi-hero.
Honeybaked Turkey - Your source for fully cooked hams, amazingly, has turkeys, too! Turkeys are fully cooked and ready to eat, and it's not just a turkey breast - it's a whole turkey, on the bone so you can pretend like you're going to make roast turkey stock after dinner. (Don't worry, canned chicken broth is so close to turkey stock, you'd be amazed.) Don't ask me how I know about this. I just do.
Stove Top Stuffing - Do not, absolutely do not, take the "suggestions" on the side of the box and add fresh chopped vegetables like carrots, celery and onions. If you do, you will ruin the fun of re-hydrating freeze-dried vegetables.
Campbell's Turkey Gravy in a Jar - Jars are so much classier than cans, even though using good ol' muscle to open a jar is slightly more homemade than using an electric gadget to open a can.
Potato Buds mashed potatoes - I'm going out on a limb here with Potato Buds because I think you may have to boil water, but don't quote me on that.
Green Bean Casserole - Don't anyone dare challenge me by saying that green bean casserole requires actual cooking or else why would there be a "recipe" and instructions to place a 9x13 pan in the oven for some certain amount of time? Please. Every single "ingredient" in Campbell's/French's testimony to marketing genius requires no washing, prepping, or chopping. Canned green beans, canned cream of mushroom soup, canned french fried onions. At the very most, I will give you "semi-homemade" on this, but I bet even Sandra Lee's agent would touch that one with a 10-foot ladle.
Princella "Can"-died Yams - Princella makes it so easy it's almost painful.
Kraft Easy Mac - Cook the entire box of 6 packets in the microwave, pour into a casserole dish, and you're done in just over 3½ minutes, depending on your oven's wattage.
Green Giant Broccoli and Cheese - See above re: Kraft Easy Mac.
Ocean Spray canned jellied cranberry sauce - This is "fancy" because it has molded rings on it.
Claim Jumper "Homestyle" Pumpkin Pie - Serve a la mode with Haagen Dazs Vanilla Ice Cream.
Don't forget the tablescape! Your grocery store has a paper goods aisle where they have paper table cloths in different colors. Get one that fits your table in a Thanksgiving-y color like brown or orange. If you want to make it extra special, plastic-backed paper tablecloths will protect your table from chemical (because that's what nothing homemade really is) spills. For some reason, real wax candles that burn actual flames seem all wrong. Definitely go with an LED "candle," which is actually better for our environment, and won't risk setting your disposable paper table ablaze.
As you know, it's the little extra details that make your Nothing Homemade dinner really Nothing Homemade. The best way to serve this on the buffet so that absolutely no one is confused about the dinner is to cut out the brand logos from each of the packages, hot glue gun each one to an individual piece of cardboard, and
place on the table next to each dish.
Happy Thanksgving!
May is National BBQ Month and National Hamburger Month
Cupcakes, not for dessert (unless beef is your idea of a treat)
Because eating French Fries in the car is so tough
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
11-23-2007 @ 2:38AM
Deuz Augustine said...
You're drunk, aren't you?
Reply
11-23-2007 @ 2:41AM
Mathi said...
Oh my G-d.
I started laughing a few sentences in and I still have a big stupid grin. This is absolutely hilarious to the point of being almost tempting.
While I have no problem dressing up a convenience side-dish on occasion this is just so...wow.
I really hope someone does this and posts a picture. Maybe invite some hungry college students over for a free dinner, they usually eat anything....
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11-23-2007 @ 7:21AM
Frank said...
This is great! But I beat you, I bought everything.
But I had to break down and open the box it came in.
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11-23-2007 @ 7:24AM
Frank said...
I beat you! I bought everything. I had to break down
and open the box.
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11-23-2007 @ 10:47AM
Foodhole said...
You can buy frozen potatoes. Why even make the effort of heating up water to make the Butter Buds?
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11-23-2007 @ 10:53AM
Rachael said...
I am sort of ashamed to find such delight in other people disliking Sandra Lee. Her show really bothers me and "style" of cooking really makes me want to drop kick my t.v.
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11-23-2007 @ 12:46PM
dragonet2 said...
If you live in a market that sells Bob Evans products you can get a frozen green bean casserole, with a separate packet of the dried onion crumbles.
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11-23-2007 @ 12:50PM
ann marie said...
oooohhhhhhhhhh sandra lee
food networks best example of how to choose a really bad bra.
im often horrified by what she cooks....but i have to admit i make her berry pie and its fast and easy and really good.
pre made pie dough, can of cherry pie filling, bag of frozen mixed berries, a little extra sugar....its not too sweet and not too starchy thick....everyone here loves it....try sprinkling pink sugar on top after brushing with half and half and its like a pop tart pie...yummy.
however she should be shot for her red velvet cake recipe. its an epa toxic waste site.
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11-23-2007 @ 1:50PM
colove said...
The only thing I like about Sandra Lee, she makes a really good cocktail. We made her Mayflower martinis this year and they packed a nice punch.
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11-23-2007 @ 4:36PM
Janis said...
Hilarious!! Thanks for making me laugh at the end of a yucky day :)
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11-23-2007 @ 6:03PM
llocher said...
You forgot her cocktail! She makes a cocktail after she presents her tablescape. Gawd. I'm relieved to hear others hate her as much as I do. She's a train wreck. (But thanks to the comments here, I am going to check out her bra: I haven't ever noticed how bad it is!)
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11-23-2007 @ 7:38PM
Christy said...
Even better--you can buy mashed potatoes ready-made in a tub and you just have to heat them up in the microwave & stir them!
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11-24-2007 @ 8:51AM
momdgp said...
And don't forget Philadelphia's ready to eat cheesecake filling. Just plop it in a bought graham cracker crust. Don't even have to bake it. Or, better yet, just open the tub and pass around spoons.
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11-24-2007 @ 9:48AM
DanGarion said...
You guys really act like elitists sometimes. Never cooked any of the Sandra Lee's stuff, but there are a number of good shows on Food TV (most of them staring Alton Brown). Get off your high horse.
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11-24-2007 @ 3:44PM
Aaron said...
Wow, this is the most offensive peice of crap I've ever read. Sure Sandra Lee is a little wacky and lots of her ideas are not really cooking, but seriously how many people have the time or energy to cook everything everyday from scratch, I'm sure everyone who visits this site has used a semi-homemade recipe before not necessarily her's, but some for of shortcut, do you all make your own puff pastry from scratch? do you make your own wonton wraps? Get off your high horses and realize some people have jobs and lives AND a passion for cooking.
Others are less fortunate. My mother made a Thanksgiving dinner this year for 7 people. She suffers from Fibromyalgia and has very little energy to do anything. But she did what she could. We had two turkeys from the oven, Stuffing made from scratch with the exception of store bought dried bread (oh the horror, semi homemade), green bean cassorole (use fresh green beans, its actually good), store bought gravy (because she knew she would be too tired to make it), home made mash potatoes and homemade cranberry sauce (sided with canned as my older sister only eats canned) as well as sweetpotatoes (from costco) covered in a brown sugar nut topping home made by my mom (again another semi homemade dish. I loved it).
I was just happy she put in the effort to do anything in her condition and the fact that people talk down about using shortcuts on this site and this article disgusts me. The meal was delicious and I wouldnt have changed anything. She made things homemade where it counts and didn't slave away in the kitchen all day or worse miss out on dinner at the table with us due to lack of energy from cooking all day like she did last year.
Coming from someone who loves cooking and generally gets many complements on his food (I use plenty of shortcuts), I find those on here who don't think using shortcuts is cooking stuck up snobs. I was so outraged by this article that I will not read anything further by Sarah J. Gim and am deleting this site from my bookmarks, never to return. I used to come here daily. Way to go Sarah!
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11-24-2007 @ 5:36PM
Victoria said...
I am a foodie, but I would not be offended if I went to someone's house for Thanksgiving and they everything was store bought. There are some people that host Thanksgiving who know they don't have the time or the talent to make the whole meal from scratch, and that's fine. Most places, you can get catered/store bough cooked turkeys, dressings, casseroles, rolls and deserts. And that's fine.
The problem with Sandra Lee is that she takes that food, makes one little change and thinks you can fool people with it. She's take the store bought turkey and slater it with some rum and mango slices, add one thing to the salad, add dried ("fiend", as she says) herbs to the gray from a jar, add extra frozen veg to the Stove Top and call it "homemade dressing". And then she's spend hundreds of dollars and hours decorating the table with some massive centerpiece that makes it impossible for guests to talk to each other.
Totally store bought is not evil, as long as you know what it is and you don't lie to your guests about it. It's thinking that you're fooling people that is offensive.
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11-24-2007 @ 6:45PM
Robert said...
Oh dear. I was going along for the ride until I realized you didn't have a cocktail time to go with this F'ntastic Thanksgiving Feast. Without a pitcher of booze to shove INto your guests hands the second they walk in the door, how do you ever expect them to stomach your food? Do you really want to take all the credit for the massive dehydration, indigestion, and migraines caused by this meal without a cocktail as a safety line?
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11-24-2007 @ 10:56PM
Deuz Augustine said...
I laughed at Aaron's post. Taking something too seriously if I've ever seen it.
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11-24-2007 @ 10:58PM
Tony2X said...
I'm glad I'm not the only one that picked up on the Food Network's love for the shortcut Thanksgiving, in fact I blogged about it myself. I can't decide where I stand with Sandra, she is so ridiculous that I can't help myself from watching it.
http://notkeithfloyd.blogspot.com/2007/11/thanksgiving-made-easy.html
:)
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11-24-2007 @ 11:29PM
sarah said...
*phew* i was beginning to wonder if anyone was reading this post at all, as i had been waiting for the backlash. thank you, aaron ;)
all, i don't know what's funnier, the idea of actually putting this dinner together as mathi suggested, or your comments.
deuz augustine: i was nowhere NEAR drunk when i wrote this post. given that i had started with a bailey's spiked with a little coffee at 7 am, i was more like...hungover by the time dinner was over ;) i guess that DOES make me a little sandra lee, doesn't it?!?!
i think this from momdgp put me over the edge:
"Or, better yet, just open the tub and pass around spoons."
that is ausome. just AUSOME.
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