The following came from an e-mail discussion wherein it was revealed that my friend's colleague had never sampled such staple pleasures as Frito Pie, three-bean salad or 'nanner pudding. I, for once, was not "The Yankee".


Eric Diesel sought to enlighten the deprived soul:


The Frito Pie discussion arose because the Yankee in question was
looking at an online menu that featured it. As the only Southwesterner
in the vicinity, I immediately claimed Executive Privilege, from which I
was able with unimpeachable authority to declare upon sight that what
was being purveyed as Frito Pie wasn't. It was nachos. Which are fine
in that all bar food is fine, but there is one specific thing that Frito
Pie is, and what it is, is cowboy food.


Pardners, for the record, Frito Pie is as follows:


-- Is purchased at the rodeo after you eyeball the livestock in the
holding pen. Chef is a denim-and-diamonds lady with freshly teased and
lacquered wide (not tall) hair, a few grand in ice, and a Kiwanis Club
apron the front of which looks like she's been slaughtering cattle,
which is not impossible. When you say "keep the change" because after
all it goes to new benches around the courthouse and the poor kids'
eyeglasses bank, she says, "whythankyewhon."


-- Is a package of Fritos laid on its back and opened like a cadaver
with an incision (X, not Y). Hot chili (which, for the record has beef
in it; there is no such thing as vegetarian chili; if you ever encounter
authentic vegetarian chili then immediately look around the corner for a
leprechaun and a unicorn) is ladled into the bag, and then the whole
thing is drenched in shredded cheddar cheese. That's it: no sour cream,
no taco lettuce, not even onions. The bag is placed on a paper plate if
you're a pantywaist, and the whole mess is presented to you with a
plastic fork, a plastic spoon, one (1) paper napkin which will
disintegrate within ten seconds of being pressed into service, a beer,
and a smile.


I hope that settles it. Please share the above with anyone who needs
it.


Eric Diesel has also been so kind as to share with us his ruminations on Ladies Luncheon Rooms & Southern Cafeterias.