I was cleaning out my pantry a few days ago in preparation for the holidays and ran across some octopuses in a bag. I have all kinds of strange stuff in my pantry and this isn't the most odd. It's a 6"x6"x1/2" mylar retort bag stuffed full of 5.2 oz of sauteed baby octopi. Yes, these are cooked, not frozen octopi. I don't remember buying these so they must have been hidden in the back of the pantry for eons, although the name of the store, Kam Sen, is on the package. So at least I know where I bought them. So is the price, $1.39, not a bad deal. I palpate the bag and inside I can feel each individual octopus. Firm small things about the size of gummy bears, and with just a tad more solid a feel to them. I was about to open the package to try them, but first I read the info and preparation instructions. The first thing that concerns me is that the manufacture and expiration dates are blank. These octopodes could have expired, in one way or another, many years ago. Are they safe? Will my name suddenly drop off the Slashfood Bloggers list, because I myself expire from botulism? A shiver runs down my spine and my stomach clenches into a nice little knot.I continue reading the package. On the front it says "OCTOPUS", GAO JI WEI BO SHI PIN", PRODUCT OF THE PEOPLES REPUBLIC OF CHINA." There is a nice photo of a plate piled high with golden brown octopi arranged nicely with a cilantro garnish on the side, and a sprinkling of red chili pepper slices, slices of green onion, and sesame seeds. On the back: "The ' JIANGFAN' high quality microwave food 'Octopus' is precisely made with the traditionally craft and the advanced technique. It is crisp, fresh, and tender, and it is high grade health care in the cafe, beer bar or in the family meal." "Octopus" in quotes? Aren't they sure? And what's with the "high grade health care"?

The directions seem easy enough.
Directions:
1. Microwave oven: Unpack and put the octopus into the plastic dish Heat for 4 to 5 minutes and serve
2. Cooking: Unpack and put the octopus into the cooker. Heat for 3 to 4 minutes and serve
Ingredients: octopus, salt, Sesame oil, Chili sauce, Potassium sorbate.
Preservation method: Store at <-18 C
Preservation period: twelve months

Whew... twelve months. I know the little baggie of octopuses has been in my pantry for well over a year. More like three, four, five years at least. OK, I'm not going to be foolish and open the bag, but it was a close thing, I was very tempted. My stomach unclenches and I relax. If I ever see these again I will try them and report back. Until then, they will make a fine paper weight here on my desk.