Before we go any further, I have a confession to make. I like my local Applebee's, but not for the food. I've been there hundreds of times, yet I can count the number of meals I've eaten there on one hand. With the sole exception of the burger, I usually regret ordering anything there.
The real reason I go is simple: there are hardly any watering holes in Rego Park, Queens. Lest any of my fellow Slashfoodies, or God forbid my legions of fans, think me anything less than hip for bending my elbow at a chain restaurant, please be aware that such celebs as Joey Ramone's mother have been known to eat at the very same place. Really, it's true she hails from nearby Forest Hills.
So it certainly wasn't the Huge Flavor campaign involving Food Network star Tyler Florence that drew me to Applebee's last month. Although I must admit that that hearing that two dear friends of mine had sampled some items from the new menu sparked a torrent of conflicting emotions: sympathy, jealousy, Schadenfreude, and a sense of professional envy. Hovering above all of this was a lingering dread, since as a fellow gourmand and food writer I knew I would have to take one for the team.
The next thing I noticed, after Ty-Flo's huge leering form, was that the menu copy is hellafunny. This is largely because it's written in the first person. Take the description of the Crispy Brick Chicken: "I split a tender petite chicken and press it flat directly against a red-hot grill." OK, maybe that's not that funny, but the idea of our boy Ty-Flo working his butt off in the back is at once utterly ridiculous and impossible. I can just imagine the exchange; "Garçon, get Tyler out here. The bacon dressing for my chicken is ice cold!"
After perusing the menu, I settled on the Penne Rosa with Sweet Italian Sausage. This decision was informed by several factors: my Italian heritage; it actually sounded good; and a delusion that Ty-Flo was in fact actually sweating it out in the kitchen, personally making my pasta, waiting to "top it off with sweet Italian sausage." I got a good laugh out of the barmaid when I told her to make sure that Tyler made it al dente.
Apparently he didn't listen, the penne was a tad overdone, but as a whole the dish wasn't bad. Perhaps it's out of some form of professional embarassment that the food review part of this piece comes at the end. But I have to admit, the tomatoes in the cream sauce did taste fresh. So what if the peas were frozen, the sausage wasn't grilled enough to make it crispy and the black pepper wasn't thoroughly mixed in. It's still probably one of the best things I'll ever eat at Applebee's. Ty-Flo has helped them discovered simple Italian pastas. Bravo!
A quick word of advice to Joey's mom and others of a similar age. You may wish to take your heart meds before viewing the video of Ty-Flo on the Applebee's web site.
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