For many of us going "home" for the holidays means ill-fitting gift shirts, drug store chocolate, eggnog spiked with bourbon, abusive grandparents, drunken tears, broken glass, the wail of sirens commingling with Xmas carols, blackouts, stunned girl or boyfriends gaping in mute horror at our ancestral home decor, and nonstop football on television.

Isn't it amazing that a simple few items of nutrition can make this sort of trauma pass like it was a summer night under the stars with the Philharmonic and a loved one by your blanket? Sound too amazing to be true? It isn't, dear friends, gather 'round. I've learned the key to holiday survival, which is to assume that wherever you go, no one will understand your culinary needs. You will need to bring all your weird herbs and foods with you, in little marked packets, for your relatives to make fun of.

For one thing, you need a big bag of your own private, hand-blended trail mix, or in this case "trial mix" - As I mentioned in last week's blog, making your own trail mix is easy and fun, and proper too since a trail is what you will be blazing this holiday season, even if it is just a trail to the backyard to shiver in the snow while the sounds of screaming, crying, and breaking plates echoes from behind the insulated windows.

Add any of the following to your mix to help reduce stress:

Pepitas (AKA raw unsalted pumpkin seeds)

These are excellent for the digestive and urinary track systems. Men with prostate trouble probably already know the benefits of these fine seeds, as should women prone to urinary tract infections. According to Holistic Online they are also an aphrodisiac! If you don't plan to be "getting any" this holiday go-round, don't worry, aphrodisiacs make you frisky by relaxing the central nervous system but increasing the feeling in nerve endings, this same chemical process can also make you feel that warm sense of being "cozy" around the tree with the inlaws, instead of filled with alienation and hostility.

Banana Chips

Bring a banana to the airport if you must, but let's face it; when you're crammed into that window seat and can barely move your arms, who wants to deal with that slimy leftover peel? It has to lie there on the floor by your carry on bag, decomposing rapidly in the dead airplane air. Banana chips are the spaceman way to go; no peel, no evidence. They have a lot of tryptophan, which is what makes you drowsy after that big turkey dinner or glass of warm milk when you can't sleep. Tryptophan in large quantities is perfect to help you sail through the holidays on wings of gold.

Sunflower Seeds - Tryptophan again, get the unsalted.

Almonds and/or Brazil Nuts
Very good for you, better than peanuts, get the unsalted. It's good to keep it all unsalted if possible, because you can add sweetened dried fruit and not mix your sweet and salty, unless that's your bag, daddy-o, but that can cause gastric stress which you don't need. Choose your poison, and keep it simple.

Next: pack your own Herbal Tea Concoctions. If you are not into the herbology scene, you might want to just pick up some Yogi teas such as Kava Kava or Calmness, which are available at most health food stores. This is good to bring because it will probably piss off your conservative relatives who will think you've become even a worse hippy than you were before.

The easiest way is to just pack a big Ziploc bag with an assortment of tea bags, which makes it easier to pack (no bulky boxes). Or you can just combine all your herbs in one mélange along with a little strainer. If you're looking at the backs of tea boxes to make sure you're getting the good stuff and not just "spearmint leaves" or some such nonsense, here's a list of the serious cozy-making: chamomile, linden, passionflower, water lily, holy basil, kava, hops, licorice, and/or damiana, though there are many others. Add honey, lemon, cinnamon, nutmeg, and maple syrup to taste.

It's a bit too late now, but you can also order combinations of this sort of stuff on the internet, with titles like "Nirvana" and so forth.

Save some in the fridge for an afternoon chill pill. Use a washed out Snapple bottle for an impromptu container. Helpful hint: Make a big strong batch the night before, then fill an empty tea bottle for the long journey home (assuming you aren't driving, kiddo).

Of course if you aren't driving, and are planning to just drink booze the whole time, fine, but can I advise against having more than one or two cups of eggnog a night?  I'd also advise you, if you are going for the long haul, to stick with whiskey or brandy on the holidays and to stay with one kind for the duration of an evening, for as Liz Taylor says in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf: "Never mix, never worry!" And as Homer Simpson says: "If it's brown, drink it down."

Here's three can't miss drink recipes that will last you the whole night:

Eggnog (after dessert and after-dinner drinks, limit 1-2):

One big dollop of bourbon (or brown liquor of your choice)
Egg nog
Dash of nutmeg on top
Stir

Manhattan on the Rocks (good as cocktail before dinner or as after dinner drink, limit: 5)

In short, wide glass (i.e. a "rocks" glass) with rocks (i.e. "ice cubes") add
One big dollop of bourbon (or brown liquor of your choice)
One splash sweet vermouth (if avail.)
Dash of angostura bitters (if avail.)
Stir.

Garnish with one red maraschino cherry.

If desired, sweeten with more bourbon. If no vermouth or bitters are available, check the way way back of the liquor cabinet. If there's still nothing, go to a neighbor's house and ask. Otherwise, just drink it neat and don't harp on the issue any further.

Highball (no limits)

In tall glass (AKA Highball glass) with rocks (i.e. "ice cubes")
One big dollop of bourbon (or brown liquor of your choice)
Ginger ale to top/taste
Repeat

For anyone at my neighbor Bill W's house, or those who just do not care for alcohol, going with the relaxing tea option instead is strongly recommended. And make a sandwich of that leftover turkey for the ride home, because you know they wont feed you on the plane. Stick with these tips and your holiday will be of the utmost mellowness and allow me to wish you the most happy whatever the hell you are into. God bless.