Bottom Five - Thanksgiving Off-Sides

by Sarah J. Gim, Posted Nov 9th 2005 @ 9:11AM

we hate candied yams With Thanksgiving little more than two weeks away, I have started planning as I always do. Ever since I could physically lift a turkey out of the oven, I have been in charge of Thanksgiving dinner. Sometimes that means I am the General Butterball, providing the turkey, then dictating what sides everyone else brings to a potluck-style dinner at my teensy tiny apartment. Most of the time, though, it means I am cooking up the whole show myself.

The latter is my preference, control freak that I am. I just can't bear the thought of certain dishes that only seem to come out at Thanksgiving time, but really now, they should never come out at all. Oh, who am I kidding? Even when I cook, my family calls, emails, IMs and makes requests for those things I absolutely detest and I have to make them anyway:

1. Green Bean Casserole - Why? Whhhyyyy?!?! It's condensed soup, canned green beans, and onions that look like deep-fried aliens. I tried to make this from "scratch" one year, and my sister asked me suspiciously, "You didn't use Campbell's, huh? Because it doesn't taste right."

2. Candied Yams - I love sweet potatoes. Roasted, mashed, whipped with cream and butter, sweet potatoes are delicious and of course, extremely healthy. But there is nothing healthy nor natural about squishy orange chunks from a can covered with toasted marshmallows. Marshmallows are for s'mores and rice krispies. I hate those itty bitty marshmallows. Hate hate hate marshmallows on my "yams."

3. Stovetop Stuffing - I can't believe I am admitting that someone in my family prefers Stovetop over stuffing made from scratch. It makes me twitch. How does dry boxed stuffing have chicken in it?! Chicken flavor, I know, which is just...excuse me while I *twitch*

4. Cranberry Gelatin Mold - Cranberry sauce is one of my favorite things on the table. I have in recent years, even made fresh cranberry relish which is incredibly tart and totally awesome. Fresh cranberries bounce, but why does someone want to watch it wiggle, see it jiggle?!?! And the fact that it's called a "mold" should knock it right off the table anyway.

5. This one is for you to fill in because if I think about it anymore, I might just get so discouraged and screw it all by ordering KFC.

Filed Under: Ingredients, Methods
Tags: baking, dinner, east coast, grains, midwest cities, midwest rural, poultry, roasting, southern states, vegetables, west coast

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Reader comments (Page 2 of 2)

11-14-2005 @3:00PM Rodney said... I have a brother-in-law that is a culinary genius. He makes the best thanksgiving turkey I have ever had. He has his own smokehouse, so he brines and smokes the turkey before it is cooked! HOLY COW! The best you will ever have! Definatley the worst thing you can do is make stuffing out of the box. Fresh is best!
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11-13-2005 @1:14PM M-L said... I grew up with marvelous Thanksgivings down on the farm, spinster sister Grandma cousins, pheasant feather centerpieces, Fannie May mint meltaways; all markers of a big holiday dinner. But we NEVER had: green bean casserole, candied yams, stove-top stuffing, cranberry gelatin molds, or even, A TURKEY.

Grandma, not so much a cook as a scientifically precise recipe-follower, couldn't manage to make a turkey she liked, but boy, she had standing rib roast mastered. We'd have some mystical "dressing" made of things I'd rather not know about but soothing to the ancient hunter-gatherer in us all. "Overnight salad" was at every holiday, as was "Patrician potatoes" which my brother has started calling "magma potatoes" as they are broiled and so hot you're guaranteed a burnt mouth. He's actually outlawed them at Christmas at his house this year.

My least favorite side dish, my "whyyyyy" dish: jello of any form. If you're not lucky enough to escape mom's dumping some on your plate, or at least have it dumped on a separate salad plate, then you're stuck with melting jello juice running into all your other foods. Nothing quite like koolaid's cousin racing from your molten potatoes' shoulder to a beautiful piece of beef with no place to run.

Always room for Jello? Not on my table.

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11-13-2005 @6:21PM Nicole said... Sarah - Thanks! I've gotten the in-law's used to Herb Companion's cranberry ginger relish, so maybe I'll have to try this in my micro-kitchen. (I want a real kitchen so bad, it almost hurts.)
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11-19-2005 @8:38PM Vicki said... Wow that was funny. I so completely agree!

Two of my family's big sins - broccoli casserole made from frozen broccoli, instant rice and (gird yourself) Cheez Whiz. It's much-loved and has become part of the "traditional" meal.

The second almost seems normal, but a grotesque "ambrosia" with mini-marshmallows, mandarin orange slices, and who knows what else, inexplicably served along with the main dishes and not with dessert. I guess that way it can compliment the marshmallow in the yams ;-).
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11-21-2005 @2:00PM the_sparker said... Well, I don't mind the green bean casserole - in fact, using the cream of mushroom soup is about the only way to get me to eat green beans from a can - they make my teeth squeak, which drives mw absolutely nuts!! However, my sister-in-law is going to be assigned the casserole and Sister Shubert bisquits. We are letting her off easy as she has two little ones at home - or, at least, that's our ploy. The fact of the matter is that she can't cook, although she doesn't realize it, and my dad figured that she'd be least likely to screw up those 2 items. I, on the other hand, am going to make corn souffle and my now required sweet potato mash - and yes, I do put marshmallows on top, but only after I have baked, mashed, brown sugared, etc., etc., etc. I made the recipe up myself (a conglomeration of a variety of things I had read) and everyone loves it, so it is now a prerequisite.

As far as what I don't like at the meal - pecan pie. The whole concept disgusts me, and the way it looks when you slice into it - it looks like gellified grease...ugh!!
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11-21-2005 @2:57PM Alex said... Fruit cake isn't that bad. I made the one from Good Eats twice and it was pretty good.

Thanks giving at my house has always been great, no matter who comes, maybe because its always me and my dad. Brined turkey, roast beef, mashed potatoes, dressing, salad, homemade gravy, fresh rolls, maybe some fried apitizers. Thats it, very tasty.
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