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In search of some Halloween TV that didn't include blood and gore, my three-year-old and I finally chose the Food Network on Sunday afternoon. After a blood-sugar-rush special on the All-Candy Expo, Sandra Lee was throwing a Halloween party in a rented mansion for her Semi-Homemade show. I was lazy. And I love parties. So I kept watching.
I can't stand the show for many reasons, not least of which is Sandra's love for her beautemous self. She had at least five costume changes, none of which looked so much like the thing she was dressing up as, as the costume that a showgirl might wear if she were appearing as (for instance) a princess, or a sugar-plum fairy. Gag.
But why I really can't stand the show: it would be far easier, not to mention vastly cheaper, not to mention far healthier for your party guests, to make things really homemade instead of Semi-Homemade.
Let's take her pumpkin cheesecake petit fours. I imagined she'd take a cheesecake mix and add some canned pumpkin. Not Sandra Lee. She painstakingly made teensy tart shells out of a mixture of sugar cookie mix, cream cheese, and a panoply of other ingredients, far more than belong in traditional pâte sucrée. This would take a normal cook an hour, if not more, for the 12 or 15 mini tart shells (which would feed, I'd imagine, three or four party guests).
Then we come to the filling. I thought my eyes were going to pop out of my head when she pulled out a storebought pumpkin pie and started scooping out the innards. "Save the shell and crumble it on ice cream!" she trilled. "This is so easy!"
She poured heavy cream into the bowl containing the pumpkin pie guts, and then pulled out a storebought cheesecake (approximate price at Costco: $12.99). And started scooping out its guts, too, to go in a separate bowl, also mixed with a bit of whipping cream. "This crust can go on ice cream, too!" she said, her voice getting higher-pitched with each word.
OK, so this is ridiculous. But then... the tour de force. Three. Separate. Piping. Bags. Made, of course, out of large plastic Ziplock bags, useless after their last hurrah distributing $25 worth of pumpkin cheesecake filling into 12 tiny tart shells. For some reason, see, Sandra felt it necessary to have some filled with both pumpkin AND cheesecake, some with just pumpkin, some with just cheesecake.
Why? Why? Why? It would have been just as quick to make tart crusts from flour, butter and water, and mix cream cheese with pumpkin puree and sugar. No, quicker. It would have cost $4 or $5 instead of $25 or $30. And it would have probably tasted better. What is the point, Sandra?
I won't even get into the Green Ghoulade, made with green Gatorade, limeade, and... oh, God, I can't even finish typing this crap. Sandra, please, find a new career as a showgirl and leave the cooking to people who actually cook.
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12-02-2005 @5:06PM OoogleEyes said... Oh my... what you've said and more! I love this show for it's comedic value.
We're not alone........
http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/
http://forums.televisionwithoutpity.com/index.php?showforum=743
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11-15-2005 @5:20PM Kwai Chang Caine said... If so many people weren't watching this program and making snarky revierw comments about it on several web sites, including FoodTV's, Sandra Lee would have been cancelled after the first 8 episodes, just like so many other FoodTV 'pretend' cooking shows were. No, everyone had to watch the train wreck week after week, and post their tragic reviews of the obnoxious, and noxious, meals prepared by this woman. When will you understand that E.W. Scripps doesn't care WHY you watch, only THAT you watch.
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11-20-2005 @11:01PM Kristin said... I totally agree. I am a somewhat regular viewer of the Food Network (only for the valuable shows), and I happened to watch this show. I almost crapped myself when I saw some of the stuff she did. The funniest part about those petit fours is that she made them on ANOTHER show too! She must think they're such a great idea! Don't ask me why, but I was watching Tony Danza's daytime show one day when I was at home, and she made the same damn petit fours. It just blows my mind sometimes what the Food Network decides to put on. Given, most of the chefs (meaning people who have PROFESSIONAL training) are pretty good on the channel. But then you get these morons like Sandra Lee and Rachel Ray who not only create bad tasting dishes, but they have obnoxious personalities. Anyway, I think this article was well written and I agree with most of the opinions written up here.
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11-23-2005 @9:15AM Richard said... I was thinking about getting one of her books for a working mom friend, wanted to look at the recipes for quick dinners, thanks for the input,
Rachel Ray always seems to " clean and chop" her stuff the day she brings it home, who has time or energy although I like her show too,
soooo I am looking for a great cookbook for a gift, one that has quick recipes,thanks
rich2481@yahoo.com
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11-22-2005 @8:46PM Nicholas said... My roommate and I simply love watching this show, if for no other reason than her methods are downright hilarious. We refer to her simply as the "Cooking with Booze Lady," because if you watch her programs, she always makes a cocktail, and usually drenches one or two of her dishes with some kind of alcohol. Our hypothesis is that the only reason people come to her parties and don't realize that she's cheating badly left and right is because they're sloshed by the time they've consumed the appetizer...
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11-24-2005 @7:20PM kitchenmage said... Oh. My. Gawd. Turkey's in the oven, it's quiet and I turned on her show (by accident) to see her with a "tablescape" that included red ostrich feathers and wineglasses with a beta swimming in each and "pearls" (plastic beads?) floating on top. Can we get PETA on her case?
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11-25-2005 @12:46PM M-L said... OOOOOH! A friend passed along these two links:
http://jordanbaker.blogspot.com/2005/11/bimbo-of-month.html
http://hughesforamerica.typepad.com/hughes_for_america/2004/11/shows_i_want_to.html
Excellent!
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12-12-2005 @12:49AM Sam said... She can be annoying - I agree with most of these commments but let's admit one thing - she would be a perfect trophy wife. She looks gorgeous and preens herself as much as her hacked food. I would happily be her husband, eat her store bought/gutted/reconstituted inane concoctions and then take her upstairs to the bedroom. Any straight gut that has not thought of this a little is lying. That is probably why most women despise her. Sandra may be 70% fake, 30% real persona but the entire package looks good
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11-29-2005 @7:52PM Armchair Cook said... Her food looks nasty and she can't cook worth a damn, but her show is one of the most entertaining things I've ever seen. And what is up with her kitchen's color scheme changing every show? That is SO not necessary!
And as far as being a trophy wife, she's in the middle of a divorce from her gazillionaire husband.
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12-01-2005 @12:33PM M-L said... More gossip 411 on the split of Sandra Lee and Mr. KB Homes...
http://forums.televisionwithoutpity.com/index.php?s=84adcf0faaf79ef4cb5f99c71c1de58d&showtopic=3121858&st=1020&p=3713056&#entry3713056
Honestly, I don't spend my days trawling the internet for dirt on her, but once some friends discovered the scandal...you know...snowball!
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12-03-2005 @2:25PM Sandy said... I would rather watch 4 episodes of the same Alton Brown show than 15 minutes of Sandra Lee. At least then I would probably learn something, have a good laugh or two, and come away with some recipes I could use, not to mention not vomiting up my wholly-homemade meal while trying to digest this woman's concept of attire, set design and preservative-laden excuse for recipes. re) her cleavage, we have Giada De Laurentiis for that (even though she and her show bug the hell out of me too, but at least she makes some REAL and tasty food).
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12-03-2005 @3:06PM Sandy said... Here's a link on FoodTv.com that will allow you to leave a comment for this show. If it doesn't work, go to the Foodtv.com site and click on TV Shows, navigate to Miss Semi-Ho, and you will find a comment link on the left-hand side.
I expect to see everyone email her and FoodTv in hopes of getting better programming.
http://www.foodnetwork.com/food/show_sh/text/0,1976,FOOD_14521_14084,00.html
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12-04-2005 @1:21PM M-L said... Stay tuned for more comments...the Semi-Ho HOLIDAY EPISODE AIRED YESTERDAY.
Since my cable was recently cut back to the actual basic channels I'd ordered, I'm waiting for tape this afternoon...
Is it wrong that she brings me such joy? Even if it is schadenfreude?
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12-09-2005 @1:00PM melissa_cookingdiva said... It would be really interesting to see what the ratings for that show are. The woman is clueless about cooking, we know that. But she may have big $$$ sponsors paying for the show to promote their products. Who knows what really is going on there.
The important thing here is that a TV station is -with a show like hers-, spreading wrong info. about cooking techniques, inviting people to eat junk food or unhealthy items, and all those things. It's very sad.
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12-13-2005 @11:30AM dbolinger said... Well, as a working mother of two with not much time on my hands I was amazed the first time I saw her show the other day. I had never heard of her until I clicked over and saw her Christmas show on the Food Network. I will have to tell you I enjoyed it and used her recipe for sugar cookies the other day. It cut out a good 10 minutes of measuring and mixing for me and helped me get to the fun part with my girls...the decorating! I enjoy and admire what she is sharing with the us in TV land. Oh..Merry Christmas!
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12-27-2005 @1:33AM Paula Helm Murray said... NOOOOO. The cancelled SARAH MOULTON,probably the best food shows the've had, since the start. Apparently they're going to be hitting for the fences with more 'commercial' crap, Giada de Laurentis going to see how fab parties hapen, etc.
The other disturbing thing about Sandra is that it looks like she's had a BAD boob job. They're in a wierd place on her chest. I do not think she's in any way attractive. (I'm not gay, I'm only sorta bi, and I like an attractive female form. of which she is NOT.)
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12-29-2005 @10:47AM rainey Smith said... Omigod! I'm so happy to see all your comments. What I want to know is: is semi-homemade the same thing as half-baked?
Everybody, you can be Sandra Lee too in only a few simple steps. 1) paint everything in your house a sterile, unimaginative white, 2) choose a menu that color coordinates with what your wearing, 3) buy everything in a local thrift shop that's the color of the day; dump most of it on the table but save some of it for the kitchen shelves, 4) throw some crap in the microwave, 5) wait! did you make sure it was the right color crap?!, 6) add some appropriate color Jello powder to a pitcher of vodka; make sure everyone has enough of your yummy cock-tails so that when they start getting sick they assume it was what they drank and not the microwaved crap.
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