I’m still not ready to write about my trip this past weekend to the Jack Daniels World Championship of BBQ. Tempers ran high, and my entry in the Chef’s Choice category, which came in 40th out of 47 entries, will require a full feature post of its own. What I do feel ready to write about, though, is the torrid three-day affair I had with Waffle House.
Waffle House, as you may or may not know, is a ubiquitous chain of 24-hour coffee shops which dot the Southland. They’re more common on southern highways than roadkill. Rare was the exit, as I travelled across Tennessee and northern Alabama, that didn’t have a massive yellow-and-black sign hovering high nearby, beckoning me to yet another plate of hash browns.
Because, the name notwithstanding, hash browns are what to get at Waffle House. They bill themselves as the biggest seller of T-Bone steaks in
But in the end, it’s all about the hash browns.
The problem was that the hash browns you actually got rarely looked like the picture. Either a cook’s impatience left them pallid and pale, or their surface was broken in the course of the flipping, and the crisp shreds mixed irremovably into the white muddle within. They were still good, of course, especially if you melted a little pat of butter over them, and liberally seasoned them with salt. But then what isn’t? My quest to get perfect hash browns was soon superceded by another, equally quixotic desire—to eat my fill of them. Thirty years later, and I’m still waiting. Beth’s Café, in
All the key factors were in place. I was alone; my hotels were all located with a few feet of the restaurants, allowing me easy access at any time of the day or night; and the place’s architecture allowed me to sit at the counter just a few feet from the griddle, watching intently as they made the hash browns, and offering advice and encouragement.
This last was a delicate business. I’m aware of what a noxious spectacle I might make – a pushy Jew bossing around minimum wage help in order to satisfy my sick impulses. It’s not quite Leo Frank, but close enough. Happily, the “hep” down south seem friendly and easygoing in direct proportion to how shitty their jobs are. And in fact, I couched my requests to the Waffle House waitresses in the most abject, cowering terms. Oliver Twist asked for more gruel more assertively than I put in my request for my hash brown order. And I took care to learn the special language of Waffle House in order to do so.
Because of its size and and age, and isolated as it is in the South, Waffle House has developed a whole culture of its own. The juke box is stocked with records about the restaurant, and the menu encourages customers to learn Waffle House slang when giving their order. Thus it was easy for me to ask for “triple scattered smothered, well-done”: a threefold order of hash browns, spread out across the grill for maximal browning, with onions mixed in, and served extra crispy. There was one more thing I needed, though, that the Waffle House staff wasn’t able to cope with. I wanted those hash browns “extra greasy.”
I don’t know if they thought I was kidding, or just didn’t take me seriously. But I meant it. The entire chain of communications was in front of me, as the maternal
On my second visit (lunch of the first day) I reiterated my desire for extra grease, but it was crowded and I could be sure that my order wouldn’t make it the the fifty feet from my bright orange booth to the unhappy-looking woman working the grill. That’s OK, I thought; I’ll just come back late. And so I did. The Hampton Inn was clean and comfortable, and even provided a fitness center for me to exercise in, the better to work up an appetite for more hash browns. On my third visit, 9:45 pm on the first day, the cook, a friendly black guy my age with a bad eye and a very hot grill, cooked up my hash browns just as I ordered them, and, for the first time, accomodated my desire for an extra ladle of the precious golden oil. Sure enough, the potato shreds, which I believe are partially dehydrated, or freeze-dried, or something, absorbed the extra grease like the obolong little sponges they are, and after finishing the platter, I ordered another just like it for dessert. That made six orders of hash browns, and it was getting late, but it was only after an intense internal debate that I decided to pay my check and shove off.
After all, I had two more days in
Soon I was called back to
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
10-29-2005 @ 12:40PM
Dmnkly said...
Scattered, double smothered and covered.
Oh yeah.
Reply
10-30-2005 @ 12:59AM
tr said...
you said it...scattered, smothered and covered.
funny, until a few months ago, i NEVER got waffles at waffle house. i always end up getting a patty melt, or steak and eggs, or something. and grits. and then, after i tasted the pecan waffles, i'd get those too. in fact, everytime i go to waffle house, i end up getting enough food for a family of four.
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10-30-2005 @ 1:36AM
Anthony said...
AMEN!! I am lucky enough to live in Texas where there are plenty of Waffle House's. I remember the first time I got a pecan waffle, I was about 6 or 7 and finished the whole thing and asked for another. I ate three on my own. Waffle House does have the best waffles. I think it has something to do with the cigarette smoke that makes them smell even sweeter as they are baking. I too have ALWAYS loved hash browns. My mother is not one to make them and neither am I. They are something I always get at Waffle House or IHOP. Lately I have discovered a very delicious combo of breakfast foods. I get this at IHOP usually with two pancakes: two eggs, scrambled and an order of hash browns and two slices of bacon. First thing gone is the bacon, it is gross cold. Then I roughly chop the eggs, as scrambled at IHOP is basically an omelet with no filling. Then I squirt ketchup over the eggs and hash browns and mix it all together. YUM! I only like ketchup with two things, that, and with onion rings. I went to culinary school for a year, it is strange how the simplest things are sometimes so very good.
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10-30-2005 @ 10:13AM
Christina said...
Being from New York, I've been to exactly one Waffle House. And I had the hash browns along with some pancakes. I love hash browns.
I put ketchup on mine. They were nice and crisp and golden. Broken, yes. But reading this just brought that all back.
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10-30-2005 @ 12:07PM
Robb Fladry said...
This message is aimed at Christina, the last comment before mine. YOU HAD PANCAKES AT WAFFLE HOUSE?!?! I've been to over a dozen Waffle House's at least, and I have never, ever seen one with pancakes. Ever.
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10-30-2005 @ 2:41PM
Christina said...
This was about five years ago in Loganville, Georgia, so I probably just confused what we had with that of a different day. I probably had an omelette, though I recall my family members teasing me about trying the grits.
The hash browns, however, were indeed memorable.
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10-30-2005 @ 11:06PM
Anthony said...
the grits at waffle house are okay, not the greatest. I prefer mine thick, like porridge. Don't forget the syrup on them!
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10-31-2005 @ 2:22PM
Nik said...
It used to be a huge arguement between me and my army buddies about whether grits are supposed to be sweet or salty. I to this day won't touch grits with sugar in them. Butter and salt and pepper are all that they need.
As for waffle house, back in fayetteville nc, they are on every street corner, and they provided the perfect sobering-up joint. Had a few vomit filled bad memories there as well.
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11-05-2005 @ 1:21AM
ninc said...
I put ketchup on mine. They were nice and crisp and golden. Broken, yes. But reading this just brought that all back
http://www.super-referate.com/referate/geografie/10/geografie5.php
http://www.super-referate.com/referate/geografie/11/geografie5.php
http://www.super-referate.com/referate/geografie/12/geografie5.php
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11-06-2005 @ 1:38PM
Patrick said...
I'm also a straight scattered, smothered and covered man myself. Waffle House is one of the places that I hit up, without fail, everytime I go home to Atlanta; brings back fond late night memories during my high school days. But until then I'll have to try out Beth's in Seattle.
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11-10-2005 @ 3:41PM
Juliette B said...
I really really love to scattered, covered and chunked, along with a hot cup of Joe and a texas cheesesteack w/ bacon or the family famous all star, it' slike to two meal in one and so far it goes a long way for my son and myself.
So Thank You Waffle House from the single mothers of the Carolina who get to keep a Dollar or 3 for another meal at the WH on another day.
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11-11-2005 @ 3:00PM
Staci said...
Mmmmmmm...Triple scattered and smothered. with Salt and Pepper. I live in Tucson, AZ and we have about 6 WH's here...my Ex roommie worked at one for a total of a month and would bring me home a single scattered, occassionally smothered, and invariably covered (Cheese) and Capped (mushrooms). All of which were good but didn't compete with the time honored preference of scattered and smothered. period.
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11-12-2005 @ 3:23PM
Eric said...
Waffle House after a night out in the city is a tradition in Atlanta.You can also find the local retirees every moring drinking coffee. I get a chicken sandwicth plate scattered and smothered. WH lingo. For sobering up 2 eggs scrambled, sausage, raisin toast. with a side of hadh browns
Reply
11-14-2005 @ 8:36AM
Eric said...
Waffle House after a night out in the city is a tradition in Atlanta.You can also find the local retirees every moring drinking coffee. I get a chicken sandwicth plate scattered and smothered. WH lingo. For sobering up 2 eggs scrambled, sausage, raisin toast. with a side of hadh browns
Reply
11-14-2005 @ 8:38AM
Eric said...
Waffle House after a night out in the city is a tradition in Atlanta.You can also find the local retirees every moring drinking coffee. I get a chicken sandwicth plate scattered and smothered. WH lingo. For sobering up 2 eggs scrambled, sausage, raisin toast. with a side of hadh browns
Reply
11-16-2005 @ 9:24AM
WH Man said...
I am a Manager at WH. It does my heart good to hear your praise of our fine establishment. Thanks to all.
Reply
11-25-2005 @ 9:13AM
james said...
I am a third shift cook at a Waffle House in Daphne, AL and have been for the past 9 months. My favorite is the hasbrown scattered all the way( smothered, covered, chunked, diced, peppered, capped, and topped!) By the way, hasbrowns are fully dehydrated( they're little sticks in the box) until you soak them in water for hours. People should really give waffle house employees more credit, I'm a Master Grill Operator-meaning I can and have cooked at least $3200 in a ten hour period-and only make $8/hr.
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11-30-2005 @ 6:02AM
oakwood ga said...
I work at waffle house and all of you are invited to mine
Ill cook your hash browns anyway you like them
I like mine ALL THE WAY
Scattered smothers covered diced chunked capped peppered and topped
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12-01-2005 @ 1:41PM
Steve H. said...
Hey, a note to pass on the love of WH culture to your kids. Waffle House has an incredibly cheap kid's menu [they sell your kids your $3 waffle for a buck]. We started the lil guys on WH as a necessity of road trips, but now as teens it is one of their favorites, and these kids are total foodies now. The 8 for a dollar juke box is great, the food is predictably solid, but the everyman atmosphere is priceless.
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12-05-2005 @ 9:26AM
Kathryn said...
I love pecan waffles and hash browns. Unfortunately, our WH does not have mushrooms. That sounds good!
Reply