Crazy Legs Conti Eats Grilled Cheese

Crazy Legs Conti is a top ranked Pro Eater with the International Federation of Competitive Eating. He holds world titles in French Cut String Beans, Pancakes and Bacon, Beef Brisket, and Twinkies. He has eaten 20 dozen New Orleans oysters in ten minutes, and 30 Maine

Lobster in twelve minutes.

 

He is the subject of the documentary, Crazy Legs Conti: Zen and the Art of Competitive Eating. The Oyster Productions film charts his journey from casual diner to gustatory gladiator. To celebrate the film’s release Crazy Legs ate his way out of an eight-foot box of popcorn earning him the moniker, “The Houdini of Cusini”. Crazy Legs also once ate 459 oysters in the course of the David Letterman show. Letterman ate three.

 

We were honored to have Crazy Legs file the following report for us in advance of a Grilled Cheese eating competition hosted by the IFCE. For more info on Crazy Legs, check out his website, www.crazylegsconti.com.  

Viscous golden cheese oozing out of its toasty brown bookends...you look at a grilled cheese sandwich and think, “That looks good, I’ll have one.” I look at a grilled cheese sandwich and think, “That looks good, I’ll have twenty”. My name is Crazy Legs Conti and I am a professional competitive eater. At this moment I am staring at forty open faced cheese up/bread down pieces on a flattop at Coleman’s Bar and Grill. To my right, beyond my spatula, is a plate of twenty formed sandwiches. That plate is guarded is Tim “Eater X” Janus. Over my shoulder, and filling the kitchen, is Eric “Badlands” Booker. The 420 pound Booker looks to my left, at towering plate of thirty three grilled cheese sandwiches and sheepishly asks, “Is that all I get?”

 

You’ve heard of competitive eating. Perhaps you went to Coney Island for the annual Nathan’s fourth of July Hot Dog Championship and watched 140 pound Takeru Kobeyashi eat 53 ½ hot dogs and buns in twelve minutes. You might have tuned into Espn to see the Alka Seltzer US Open as Eater X, in a stunning come-from-behind victory bested Rich “The Locust” Lafevre in the dense salad round. Perhaps, you’ve enjoyed the documentary, “Crazy Legs Conti: Zen and the Art of Competitive Eating”; my journey from slack jawed fan to gustatory gladiator. To celebrate the film I ate my way out of an 8-foot box of popcorn, earning me the moniker, “The Houdini of Cusini”. But what you may not know about competitive eating, is that the pro circuit has become the NASCAR of the esophagus, the Masters of the stomach, the Tour de Gorge. All because of the IFOCE.

 

The International Federation of Competitive Eating presides over all stomach-centric sports. With over $200,000 in prize money in 2005, the IFOCE pro circuit has become a fierce battleground of eating assassins and glory seeking gurgitators. The Grilled Cheese circuit alone has over $40,000 in prize money. That kind of bread brings out the big eaters; not in size, but in appetite. Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas is the number two ranked eater in the world. She has scarfed down 65 hard boiled eggs in seven minutes, 48 soft tacos in eleven minutes, 10 pounds of cheesecake in nine minutes…and she weighs 100 pounds. Badlands Booker is four times her size, yet she routinely eats twice as much as him in competition. You would assume she would lap him in a 400 meter race, but in hard boiled egg eating? On Badlands’ debut album, “Hungry and Focused” he raps, “An overnight sensation like the Black Widow, she starts at the far end of the table, and eats her way to the middle.” No wonder Badlands wants a few extra practice sandwiches.

 

A year ago in the hot sun of Venice Beach, California,  George Shea, founder of the IFOCE, was MCing as The Black Widow ate 25 grilled cheese sandwiches in ten minutes. George’s preacher-like voice, his microphone turned up to eleven, rang out naming Sonya, “The World Grilled Cheese Eating Champion…of the world.” Rich Shea, president of the IFOCE, had shrewdly marketed the event to the masses. After GoldenPalace.com had purchased a grilled cheese sandwich with the likeness of the Virgin Mary, the IFOCE organized the eating contest. Like an ecumenical field trip, Pro eaters traveled across the country to pay homage, not the Virgin Mary, but to the grilled cheese.

 

The Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich survived the contest; no occurrence of immaculate ingestion, and grew from one gorgefest into this years circuit. Eaters, fans, and groupies (that's right - as pro athletes often do, we deal with groupies. In fact I keep telling the ladies to stop sending naked photos to www.crazylegsconti.com, but they keep sending naked photos to www.crazylegsconti.com) will travel to eleven cities across the land, seeking the holy grain and heavenly cheese. I may travel from NYC to Utah, Minneapolis, or South Dakota seeking victory at a regional contest (and $1750 in prize money) to earn a spot at the Finals (and $20,000 in prize money).

 

That brings us to Coleman’s Bar and Grill, three pro eaters, a ‘focus group” of fans, and seventy five practice sandwiches. In contest and practice each eater has a large cup of the liquid of their choice. Liquid lubrication is needed to aid in swallowing the dense cheese brick sandwiches. Over the next few hours we will discuss dunking technique, chewing strategy, swallowing capacity. Eater X will opt for three sandwich sprints, working on his manual to oral dexterity; interval training between mandible and mastication. Badlands will be marathoning for ten minutes; pushing himself past the six minute mark, “The Wall”, into the last four minutes when dreams are made, and realities broken. I will be using the Zen method of eating, mind over stomach matter. I will study the grilled cheese sandwich as if it was the Rosetta Stone; learning its language of congealed cheese and cardboard bread. Each eater is poised over their plate. The grease stained stopwatch is ready. Our stomachs are empty, but our minds are filled with the lofty goal of defeating The Black Widow. However, beyond the competition, the prize money, the trophies, the travel, and the groupies, the Grilled Cheese circuit offers something more, something ethereal and abstract. Of course, if the sandwiches are more concrete, then perhaps double dunking is the answer.